Living with and overcoming Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder
Anaya
She is the CatBoy to my Owlette,
Unless you watch PJMasks that you won’t get.
Today she is Rainbow Dash with lightning speed.
Off to help someone in need.
Later she will be Babs,
Which is fitting cause she gabs.
She is so smart it amazes me,
Something I struggled to be.
Constantly making me smile,
With her personality and style.
She likes to be in charge, Her attitude always at large.
If I do something wrong,
She always lets me know.
A joy she truly is to watch grow. Jill L. Ware
My beautiful granddaughter Adalyn Rose,
Means more to me than she even knows.
Out of her mouth comes the darnedest things,
There is nothing better than when she sings.
She has style, she has flare,
When we are together we are quite the pair.
Sometimes she can be just a bit mean,
And a lot of times a drama queen.
I wish I had her dance moves,
With the music she always grooves.
I can’t imagine a life without her in it,
The love we have I pray she will never forget.
One day I will be gone like the grandmothers before me,
Her beautiful face forever in my mind it will always be.
I will see her again someday,
And forever in Heaven Barbies we will play.
Grandma Jill Loves You!
I have loved him since the day he was conceived, the joy he brought me I’d never believe.
His personality was that of a clown, lifting me up when I was down.
He was terrified to go on stage, which got much better with age.
Eventually I left his dad, It was the worst feeling I ever had.
Joint custody was not for me, forever changed our life would be.
Me his mother you would never guess, what a beautiful mess.
Drums, guitar, piano are just a few, of the many things he can do.
He is smarter than I ever was, excellent at all he does.
He will never know the love I carry in me, forever in my heart he will always be.
Jill L. Ware
I Love My Family! What a beautiful gathering we had for Mother’s Day.
Those lips and how they made me feel,
Never had anything felt so real,
Thoughts of you pour like rain.
I’d sell my soul to taste them once again.
I visit you in my dreams.
We, you’ve forgotten it seems.
I don’t fight them anymore,
Are you just as you were before,
I prayed one day I’d be your wife,
And with you i would spend my life,
Together we had been.
Our love destined not to win.
It lives on in my memories,
I miss you when no one sees.
Jill L. Ware
Put on your best smile, go that extra mile.
Be courteous and nice, don’t ever think twice.
Lift up one another, be your neighbors brother.
Love with all your might, don’t give up without a fight.
Ask for nothing in return, be the example so they can learn.
Be you, let your light shine through.
Be the spark that leads them from the dark.
Most of all, always be you!
Jill L. Ware
I don’t know if it’s from turning fifty or that this pandemic has caused financial strain and anxiety in my life.
The one thing I can be sure of is that my husband has probably thought about divorcing me. I would if I were him.
Just when my moods couldn’t get any worse, my husband dropped a tree on my truck. At the time I was nice and sweet. But as the days go on, knowing fixing it isn’t in the budget and selling it would be stupid when we just paid a ton of money fixing it my mood flares about it.
I’m sure taking my inhaler is aggravating my mood some. I just can’t seem to breathe. There are a few people I’ve been avoiding because of my racing thoughts about how they have wronged me recently. Not that they have, I just perceive that they have.
I just feel like a bomb waiting to go off. And like a failure at everything I do. I prayed when I turned fifty that I wouldn’t get all off the charts with my moods like my sister did. At this rate my moods may top hers.
Please pray for me to gain peace over whatever is going on in my head.
When I started this journey into blogging I stated I would mention the good the bad and the ugly. I didn’t just mean everyone else behavior. After all I do have bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I don’t have the behaviors near as often anymore. occasionally they do sneak out.
FYI this was many years ago. I was in a manic phase after divorcing the children’s dad. We moved to the husbands home town when the kids were very young. My husband had an old high school buddy that would come over and the minute he’d get to the door my husband would make me go hide ion the other room so that his friend couldn’t see that I was a larger woman. His exact words, “I don’t want him to see you are fat because he can get any woman he wants.”.
After years of verbal abuse about my size and illnesses we finally divorced. which led to lots of behaviors out of character for me. This is just one of the stories.
I’d been hitting the local bar on the weekend, on the prowl. one night a guy at the bar said, “Aren’t you a cutie, what’s your name?’. When I responded with my name, he asked if I was related to the ex. when I told him I was married too him for some time. he told me they use to be friends, I asked his name. Once he told me, i didn’t even think twice about my next step. He was going to be my puppet. It was the guy I was hid from him because of my size, and he loved my size.
I had him around the house a few times, just enough for the boys to see and tell their father. the father did ask me about being friends with his old school mate and all I could say is, “we aren’t friends just screw buddies.” My point is, I don’t really have a point I guess. Nothing like the fury of a woman scorned.
I like to think that I have matured by leaps and bounds since then. It wasn’t all that bad. He enjoyed giving massages and wine and the sex wasn’t that bad either.
P.S. Okay I may still be a little bit of a mess. But I am a beautiful one!
That saying is complete bull! Fear is a natural reaction to certain situations. Everyone was created different, so their reactions to things will be different.
I have an absolute fear of snakes, my niece adores them. Does that mean she has faith and I do not. NO. We just fear different things and that is okay.
One of my biggest fears is riding in a car that gets to close to the shoulder. I’m going to tell you how this fear became a part of who I am. It was not bred into me. Trauma or torcher depending on how you look at it, created it in me.
Husband number three was so nice and sweet, and a hard worker to boot. Things changed quickly after we married. I had married a controlling monster. He controlled me in many ways, but this one stuck.
On the way to Sunday morning service, which was quite a drive he got to close to the shoulder, when he saw me flinch his exact words were, “where there is fear there is no faith”. Until I acted not afraid he continued to drive like that. From that day on it was one of his games with me.
One day our vehicle broke down in traffic. I began crying, he sat there and refused to fix it until I quit crying. One of the last times I road with him he had set cruise control at 45mph on the interstate. I asked if he was trying to get us killed. He reset the cruise for 35mph.
I did eventually divorce him. The fear he caused in me followed me to the wonderful husband I have now. In the beginning when he’d see me cringe while he was driving he’d get defensive. Four years later he asks me if I’m okay. And tries to stay away from the shoulder as much as possible.
All of the little imperfections or glitches in us make us unique. Just have faith and never let your fears consume you!
My sister and I both suffer from bpd and bipolar. Anxiety , depression and whatever else you want to throw in there. For several years now I’ve had to be stronger for her. Handle her with kid gloves you might say. We both have suicidal tendencies. I have attempted twice.
She is my best friend in the whole world. I’ve had a few bad days this week. So she was pointing out to me my bad behavior and my words were,”You have got to be fucking kidding me, you can go 8 months in a row all fucked up and no one says a word because you might go kill yourself and I have a bad two days and you are on me like a fly on shit.”.
And thank God the camera was off at the shop so she couldn’t replay every word I said over and over, she would have killed herself. Was what I said true? Yes! Did I know it would hurt her? Yes! Do I love her? Yes!
I hate these fucking diseases. I told myself over and over in my head to not say anything, there was no stopping me. I was hurting so I wanted to hurt her. She had been doing better, I’m afraid that this might make her progress go backwards. She will play what I said in her head until it makes her feel like a waste of space or a complete failure. How do I know this? We have the same disease. I would do the same thing. All I know is my sister and I have not been over 5 miles away from each other our entire lives. We survived some terrible experiences as children together. We even get sick when either of us goes on trips away from the other. What the hell is wrong with me?
Our Roses Were Yellow 
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