Living with and overcoming Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder
A word I’ve been telling others my entire life,
To save face and not cause strife.
Even if I am sure I am right,
“Sorry!” I’ll say to avoid a fight.
Even though sorry is just a word,
Out of your mouth it will never be heard.
With me “Sorry!” Goes a long way.
It is something you”ll never say,
Jill L. Ware
Sometimes what life gives us is hard to take. One moves on, the other plans death by lake.
From others my feelings becoming detached, Ruined friendships that will never be patched.
Bad behaviors are they hers or are they mine? I wish her to leave I’ve drawn the line.
She comes out of me when I can’t find the words to say. Good thing, I was walking into traffic to play,
I cry, I am tired of the world today. She says whiney bitch get out of the way.
Often seen with a shake and a slur, is it me or is it her?
If she thinks I am being used, you are next to be abused.
When she plays I don’t have a clue, is it me or is it you?
My advice is stay away from Jill number one and two.
Jill L. Ware
Always making flight the choice for me, I’d stay if they’d let me be.
Tell me what to do and see what occurs, this is my life, not yours.
Tending to bullying I never do, I fear confrontation, no matter who.
Never making decision so I don’t get sick, too late now I have some ass to kick.
Pick a number get in line, after I’ve let you have it I will be fine.
When I am manic I talk big and bad, most of the time I’m just sad.
No specific reason why, every 10 years I wish to die.
I haven’t been me for a very long time, how do I regain a life that’s mine?
My companion gone nearly 2 years now, I managed thus far not knowing how.
I didn’t say I managed well, life since has been hell.
They say Love is patient, it is not always kind.
Jill L. Ware
I have spent the last four years absent from events, even though I was in attendance. An empty shell, all negative thoughts. You could tell by my eyes that I was confused and paranoid. I could not comprehend situations and conversations. As if those things were not bad enough, then came the tremors and speech impediment from hell itself.
I lived through all of this. I functioned as best I could. I had all sorts of my family upset with me. I was medicated. Overly medicated. Seroquel almost killed me. Drug induced Parkinson’s.
I had been on 7 mental medications for some time. Some of the things I was taking the medication for had gotten better but yet I was still on the medication. I am now on two. it can take up to 18 months for the Parkinson’s symptoms to go away after discontinuing the Seroquel. So I still have a slight shake, but it does not involve my speech or my feet at this time.
My sister expressed to me that she had lost a sister, my mom a daughter and my husband a wife. I lost many relationships. It is hard to have a relationship with an empty bobble head.
I feel like they should have loved me unconditionally. Now isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t even love me.
Jill L. Ware
I am so thankful that I finally have a diagnosis. I knew that something was wrong.
It took the doctors three years to finally figure out the problem . The specialist told me that I won’t be getting any more MRIs or CAT scans that I need to enjoy the time with my grandkids, I’m not sure Exactly being labeled as catastrophic means for me. But I’m sure it isn’t good. But at least now I can quit going to the Doctor. No more tests. Every major organ of mine has illnesses in them or masses. When I had the gastric bypass, my intestines were rerouted and now at least two of the things they need to get to they cannot because my intestines are in front of them.
Catastrophic: an unexpected event that causes great suffering or damage. From all points of view it would be a catastrophe.
Looking from all directions. Myself and a few family members knew that something wasn’t right. This has also affected my mental health.
Having the gastric bypass gave me 20 years, I probably would not have had because of my obesity. There’s no time limit. I’m just going to enjoy life and not take things so serious. You should do the same. Don’t waste a minute.
Those that know well, know that I don’t keep things long. Cars, apartments, pets and you get the idea. The fact that I kept Annabelle for 15 years is saying a lot. I struggled after I laid her to rest. I eventually got a dog and because I didn’t ask permission from my roommate first had to take her back to the gentleman I got her from. After a few weeks and a move to a new location I got Jack from the local pound. He is going to be bigger than I usually like. But I think he is gracious that I saved him from the pound. He loves treats and is intrigued on all the things he can do to earn one. My husband and I decided crate training would be our best bet. So far so good. He is going to be my new treatment for my mental illness as Annabelle was.
How do you know when you are over medicated? Do your doctors collaborate on your treatment of various illnessesWith that she took me off the Rituxan drip. I left that visit Dumbfounded. I had no idea RA could go into remission the following visit the rheumatologist replaced the reduction with a different drug. I did not understand why I needed the new drug if my RA was in remission. Doctor says it is maintenance to keep it in The stage. My psychiatric meds aren’t much better. I take several psych meds and disorder pills. He prescribes one and adjust another. Five separate medication‘s to treat my several mood disorders.
Over the years I’ve had many grandparents raising grandkids frequent my place of employment. Have always had respect for them. Until recently, I had no idea how exhausting and stressful it could be. My son and his wife went on a four-day vacation and I stayed with the three kids. It was absolutely exhausting. The minute my butt cheeks hit the couch. There was one screaming “grandma come here”. The meals, laundry, baths and picking up never ends. What I’m getting at is that if you see grandparents raising grandkids, pat them on the back. I only did it for four days, and was ready to lose my sanity.
You’d think with all the medications I am on that it would keep my moods under control. My thoughts lately I’ve kept myself. Needless to say, most of them are mean. I refuse to let them escape me.
I roll all these thoughts around in my head day and night. The conversations I’ve had with loved ones playing in my head. I picked them apart, one by one to decipher their meaning. The only change my doctor has made with my meds is swapping my Wellbutrin at night for olanzapine.
The doctor did this because he was seeing symptoms of paranoia in me. There is paranoia in my family genetics, the doctor actually a couple doctors have told me they think my pot smoking is causing several illnesses in me. I had never heard anything so stupid. I asked if I should quit for a few weeks and see. She said full results of quitting wouldn’t show for six months. I decided to do my research on the subject. In some cases by quitting, the issues fix themselves, and when the person starts back symptoms return.
I am sick of not thinking right. I started my pot free life five days ago. I pray that it fixes some of the wrong thinking. Also a few other things as well.
I could use some encouragement or advice. I haven’t blogged in quite some time. If I blog more often, it would probably benefit me. I’ve been in the state of “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”. I have been hiding from society, I don’t like the monster in me.
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