Tag: self esteem

Blog

Absent From Myself

Jill L. Ware

I have spent the last four years absent from events, even though I was in attendance. An empty shell, all negative thoughts. You could tell by my eyes that I was confused and paranoid. I could not comprehend situations and conversations. As if those things were not bad enough, then came the tremors and speech impediment from hell itself.

I lived through all of this. I functioned as best I could. I had all sorts of my family upset with me. I was medicated. Overly medicated. Seroquel almost killed me. Drug induced Parkinson’s.

I had been on 7 mental medications for some time. Some of the things I was taking the medication for had gotten better but yet I was still on the medication. I am now on two. it can take up to 18 months for the Parkinson’s symptoms to go away after discontinuing the Seroquel. So I still have a slight shake, but it does not involve my speech or my feet at this time.

My sister expressed to me that she had lost a sister, my mom a daughter and my husband a wife. I lost many relationships. It is hard to have a relationship with an empty bobble head.

I feel like they should have loved me unconditionally. Now isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t even love me.

Jill L. Ware

Blog

Meet Jack and The Weeks That Led Me To Him

Jill L. Ware

Those that know well, know that I don’t keep things long. Cars, apartments, pets and you get the idea. The fact that I kept Annabelle for 15 years is saying a lot. I struggled after I laid her to rest. I eventually got a dog and because I didn’t ask permission from my roommate first had to take her back to the gentleman I got her from. After a few weeks and a move to a new location I got Jack from the local pound. He is going to be bigger than I usually like. But I think he is gracious that I saved him from the pound. He loves treats and is intrigued on all the things he can do to earn one. My husband and I decided crate training would be our best bet. So far so good. He is going to be my new treatment for my mental illness as Annabelle was.

Poetry

Game Over

Jill L. Ware

I saw you yesterday, in this game with you I play.

Keeping my distance so you don’t see, it is way past time to let it be.

I make sure not to cross the line, the game not yours but mine.

My schemes planned days ahead, our relationship a long time dead.

To get your approval I tried for years, my love for life reduced to tears.

The words you said I hear as if yesterday,  you had no clue in my head they’d stay.

I look in the mirror as I become skin and bones, my self esteem someone else owns.

It doesn’t matter large or small, I’m not sure you loved me at all.

I pray one day to adapt a love for me, maybe then there will be no fear of letting you see. I’ll know there is nothing wrong with me.

Blog, Poetry

Faithful Companion

Jill L. Ware
A companion can come in many shapes and sizes. Mine happens to be in the form of a dog. She has seen me through many of battles with those that were supposed to be faithful companions. Her loyalty to me always holds true. Annabelle joined me when my oldest son left home after high school. She has seen me cry, scream, laugh, and sometimes act a complete nutcase. Yet she has never left me or judged me. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve moved, there she was at my side with no judgment, as always. We both have aged since our first meeting. Not long from now. I will be missing her scratching the food bowl at 2 AM and her snoring. A more faithful friend I shall never meet.
Blog, Poetry

Medication Overload

Jill L. Ware
Month supply

How do you know when you are over medicated? Do your doctors collaborate on your treatment of various illnessesWith that she took me off the Rituxan drip. I left that visit Dumbfounded. I had no idea RA could go into remission the following visit the rheumatologist replaced the reduction with a different drug. I did not understand why I needed the new drug if my RA was in remission. Doctor says it is maintenance to keep it in The stage. My psychiatric meds aren’t much better. I take several psych meds and disorder pills. He prescribes one and adjust another. Five separate medication‘s to treat my several mood disorders.

Blog, Poetry

Grandparents that raise their grandchildren

Jill L. Ware

Over the years I’ve had many grandparents raising grandkids frequent my place of employment. Have always had respect for them. Until recently, I had no idea how exhausting and stressful it could be. My son and his wife went on a four-day vacation and I stayed with the three kids. It was absolutely exhausting. The minute my butt cheeks hit the couch. There was one screaming “grandma come here”. The meals, laundry, baths and picking up never ends. What I’m getting at is that if you see grandparents raising grandkids, pat them on the back. I only did it for four days, and was ready to lose my sanity.

Blog

Bite Me Bi-Polar!

Jill L. Ware

It is not often I have the urge to drive my car into a tree at a high rate of speed. Yesterday there it was out of nowhere. That is how this works, this being these nasty mood disorders That have been plaguing me all of my adult life.

I try so hard to keep my monster hidden, yesterday was an epic fail. I really should name my monster within truthfully though I don’t want to be on a first name basis with her, my beast.

She doesn’t play nice so I’m thankful she doesn’t stay long these days. She says just long enough to show her ass and leave me looking absolutely idiotic. Not like I need extra help in that department. I do find enough job without her help.

I spent the last six months taking in nature and Photographing the Beauty I see. My avoiding being in society since Covid appeared isn’t because my fear of getting sick. I hide from fear of confrontation from all the people that have decided they can talk to you any hateful way they please. You know how true those words are, don’t you?

PEOPLE SUCK! I’m trying real hard not to be one.

Blog

Call Your Psychiatrist

Jill L. Ware
Everyone smiles for the camera

I know the importance of routine mental health appointments throughout the year. It did not occur to me the entire six weeks I laid in bed my depression and anxiety in full swing.

I assumed it had only been a few months since my last mental health visit. In fact it had been six months.

This week I had a visit with my long time psychiatrist. He reminded me that if I am struggling in between visits that I can call for a visit.

It’s amazing the insight and advice from someone outside my usual sounding boards. Where am I going with this? If you are sad, anxious, depressed or having a hard time functioning in this crazy world we live in. Seeking help can make a huge difference. Tell someone else your crap can really lighten your load.