Living with and overcoming Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder
Something that I have never been, that was the title for my brother Glenn.
My sister running close behind, me they’d have to come find.
Usually, I was hiding somewhere scared, for this game, I was never prepared.
I wished to be tough like them, one day God would make me strong, I just didn’t know when.
For that strength I have waited a lifetime. Apparently, God has a plan and that plan isn’t mine.
Jill L. Ware
A word I’ve been telling others my entire life,
To save face and not cause strife.
Even if I am sure I am right,
“Sorry!” I’ll say to avoid a fight.
Even though sorry is just a word,
Out of your mouth it will never be heard.
With me “Sorry!” Goes a long way.
It is something you”ll never say,
Jill L. Ware
Sometimes what life gives us is hard to take. One moves on, the other plans death by lake.
From others my feelings becoming detached, Ruined friendships that will never be patched.
Bad behaviors are they hers or are they mine? I wish her to leave I’ve drawn the line.
She comes out of me when I can’t find the words to say. Good thing, I was walking into traffic to play,
I cry, I am tired of the world today. She says whiney bitch get out of the way.
Often seen with a shake and a slur, is it me or is it her?
If she thinks I am being used, you are next to be abused.
When she plays I don’t have a clue, is it me or is it you?
My advice is stay away from Jill number one and two.
Jill L. Ware
Always making flight the choice for me, I’d stay if they’d let me be.
Tell me what to do and see what occurs, this is my life, not yours.
Tending to bullying I never do, I fear confrontation, no matter who.
Never making decision so I don’t get sick, too late now I have some ass to kick.
Pick a number get in line, after I’ve let you have it I will be fine.
When I am manic I talk big and bad, most of the time I’m just sad.
No specific reason why, every 10 years I wish to die.
I haven’t been me for a very long time, how do I regain a life that’s mine?
My companion gone nearly 2 years now, I managed thus far not knowing how.
I didn’t say I managed well, life since has been hell.
They say Love is patient, it is not always kind.
Jill L. Ware
I have spent the last four years absent from events, even though I was in attendance. An empty shell, all negative thoughts. You could tell by my eyes that I was confused and paranoid. I could not comprehend situations and conversations. As if those things were not bad enough, then came the tremors and speech impediment from hell itself.
I lived through all of this. I functioned as best I could. I had all sorts of my family upset with me. I was medicated. Overly medicated. Seroquel almost killed me. Drug induced Parkinson’s.
I had been on 7 mental medications for some time. Some of the things I was taking the medication for had gotten better but yet I was still on the medication. I am now on two. it can take up to 18 months for the Parkinson’s symptoms to go away after discontinuing the Seroquel. So I still have a slight shake, but it does not involve my speech or my feet at this time.
My sister expressed to me that she had lost a sister, my mom a daughter and my husband a wife. I lost many relationships. It is hard to have a relationship with an empty bobble head.
I feel like they should have loved me unconditionally. Now isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t even love me.
Jill L. Ware
Those that know well, know that I don’t keep things long. Cars, apartments, pets and you get the idea. The fact that I kept Annabelle for 15 years is saying a lot. I struggled after I laid her to rest. I eventually got a dog and because I didn’t ask permission from my roommate first had to take her back to the gentleman I got her from. After a few weeks and a move to a new location I got Jack from the local pound. He is going to be bigger than I usually like. But I think he is gracious that I saved him from the pound. He loves treats and is intrigued on all the things he can do to earn one. My husband and I decided crate training would be our best bet. So far so good. He is going to be my new treatment for my mental illness as Annabelle was.
I saw you yesterday, in this game with you I play.
Keeping my distance so you don’t see, it is way past time to let it be.
I make sure not to cross the line, the game not yours but mine.
My schemes planned days ahead, our relationship a long time dead.
To get your approval I tried for years, my love for life reduced to tears.
The words you said I hear as if yesterday, you had no clue in my head they’d stay.
I look in the mirror as I become skin and bones, my self esteem someone else owns.
It doesn’t matter large or small, I’m not sure you loved me at all.
I pray one day to adapt a love for me, maybe then there will be no fear of letting you see. I’ll know there is nothing wrong with me.
How do you know when you are over medicated? Do your doctors collaborate on your treatment of various illnessesWith that she took me off the Rituxan drip. I left that visit Dumbfounded. I had no idea RA could go into remission the following visit the rheumatologist replaced the reduction with a different drug. I did not understand why I needed the new drug if my RA was in remission. Doctor says it is maintenance to keep it in The stage. My psychiatric meds aren’t much better. I take several psych meds and disorder pills. He prescribes one and adjust another. Five separate medication‘s to treat my several mood disorders.
Anytime I get a chance to watch the birds off my patio, it helps calm my self down.
What do you do to help your depression?
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