Living with and overcoming Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder
A word I’ve been telling others my entire life,
To save face and not cause strife.
Even if I am sure I am right,
“Sorry!” I’ll say to avoid a fight.
Even though sorry is just a word,
Out of your mouth it will never be heard.
With me “Sorry!” Goes a long way.
It is something you”ll never say,
Jill L. Ware
Sometimes what life gives us is hard to take. One moves on, the other plans death by lake.
From others my feelings becoming detached, Ruined friendships that will never be patched.
Bad behaviors are they hers or are they mine? I wish her to leave I’ve drawn the line.
She comes out of me when I can’t find the words to say. Good thing, I was walking into traffic to play,
I cry, I am tired of the world today. She says whiney bitch get out of the way.
Often seen with a shake and a slur, is it me or is it her?
If she thinks I am being used, you are next to be abused.
When she plays I don’t have a clue, is it me or is it you?
My advice is stay away from Jill number one and two.
Jill L. Ware
Always making flight the choice for me, I’d stay if they’d let me be.
Tell me what to do and see what occurs, this is my life, not yours.
Tending to bullying I never do, I fear confrontation, no matter who.
Never making decision so I don’t get sick, too late now I have some ass to kick.
Pick a number get in line, after I’ve let you have it I will be fine.
When I am manic I talk big and bad, most of the time I’m just sad.
No specific reason why, every 10 years I wish to die.
I haven’t been me for a very long time, how do I regain a life that’s mine?
My companion gone nearly 2 years now, I managed thus far not knowing how.
I didn’t say I managed well, life since has been hell.
They say Love is patient, it is not always kind.
Jill L. Ware
I have spent the last four years absent from events, even though I was in attendance. An empty shell, all negative thoughts. You could tell by my eyes that I was confused and paranoid. I could not comprehend situations and conversations. As if those things were not bad enough, then came the tremors and speech impediment from hell itself.
I lived through all of this. I functioned as best I could. I had all sorts of my family upset with me. I was medicated. Overly medicated. Seroquel almost killed me. Drug induced Parkinson’s.
I had been on 7 mental medications for some time. Some of the things I was taking the medication for had gotten better but yet I was still on the medication. I am now on two. it can take up to 18 months for the Parkinson’s symptoms to go away after discontinuing the Seroquel. So I still have a slight shake, but it does not involve my speech or my feet at this time.
My sister expressed to me that she had lost a sister, my mom a daughter and my husband a wife. I lost many relationships. It is hard to have a relationship with an empty bobble head.
I feel like they should have loved me unconditionally. Now isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t even love me.
Jill L. Ware
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I am so thankful that I finally have a diagnosis. I knew that something was wrong.
It took the doctors three years to finally figure out the problem . The specialist told me that I won’t be getting any more MRIs or CAT scans that I need to enjoy the time with my grandkids, I’m not sure Exactly being labeled as catastrophic means for me. But I’m sure it isn’t good. But at least now I can quit going to the Doctor. No more tests. Every major organ of mine has illnesses in them or masses. When I had the gastric bypass, my intestines were rerouted and now at least two of the things they need to get to they cannot because my intestines are in front of them.
Catastrophic: an unexpected event that causes great suffering or damage. From all points of view it would be a catastrophe.
Looking from all directions. Myself and a few family members knew that something wasn’t right. This has also affected my mental health.
Having the gastric bypass gave me 20 years, I probably would not have had because of my obesity. There’s no time limit. I’m just going to enjoy life and not take things so serious. You should do the same. Don’t waste a minute.
Those that know well, know that I don’t keep things long. Cars, apartments, pets and you get the idea. The fact that I kept Annabelle for 15 years is saying a lot. I struggled after I laid her to rest. I eventually got a dog and because I didn’t ask permission from my roommate first had to take her back to the gentleman I got her from. After a few weeks and a move to a new location I got Jack from the local pound. He is going to be bigger than I usually like. But I think he is gracious that I saved him from the pound. He loves treats and is intrigued on all the things he can do to earn one. My husband and I decided crate training would be our best bet. So far so good. He is going to be my new treatment for my mental illness as Annabelle was.
I watch if she slips away from me each day.
She cannot see me, or hear what I say.
Many times, she watched over me when I was bedridden, her agenda not hidden. She, my faithful companion nursing me.
Soon My turn to nurse her it will be.
As the days go on, she makes it outside to relieve herself less, but, she tries her best.
Annabelle is strong and has a fight in her since birth. I miss the days she slept with me, went to work with me. We were great together.
It seems as if our time together is nearing its end. I pray that she goes on her own, to her death I cannot her send.
I will hold my love for her deep in my heart, even after this earth she parts.
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