Category: Blog

Blog

Absent From Myself

Jill L. Ware

I have spent the last four years absent from events, even though I was in attendance. An empty shell, all negative thoughts. You could tell by my eyes that I was confused and paranoid. I could not comprehend situations and conversations. As if those things were not bad enough, then came the tremors and speech impediment from hell itself.

I lived through all of this. I functioned as best I could. I had all sorts of my family upset with me. I was medicated. Overly medicated. Seroquel almost killed me. Drug induced Parkinson’s.

I had been on 7 mental medications for some time. Some of the things I was taking the medication for had gotten better but yet I was still on the medication. I am now on two. it can take up to 18 months for the Parkinson’s symptoms to go away after discontinuing the Seroquel. So I still have a slight shake, but it does not involve my speech or my feet at this time.

My sister expressed to me that she had lost a sister, my mom a daughter and my husband a wife. I lost many relationships. It is hard to have a relationship with an empty bobble head.

I feel like they should have loved me unconditionally. Now isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t even love me.

Jill L. Ware

Blog
Jill L. Ware

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Blog

I Am Catastrophic!

Jill L. Ware
And yes I am Smiling

I am so thankful that I finally have a diagnosis. I knew that something was wrong.

It took the doctors three years to finally figure out the problem . The specialist told me that I won’t be getting any more MRIs or CAT scans that I need to enjoy the time with my grandkids, I’m not sure Exactly being labeled as catastrophic means for me. But I’m sure it isn’t good. But at least now I can quit going to the Doctor. No more tests. Every major organ of mine has illnesses in them or masses. When I had the gastric bypass, my intestines were rerouted and now at least two of the things they need to get to they cannot because my intestines are in front of them.

Catastrophic: an unexpected event that causes great suffering or damage. From all points of view it would be a catastrophe.

Looking from all directions. Myself and a few family members knew that something wasn’t right. This has also affected my mental health.

Having the gastric bypass gave me 20 years, I probably would not have had because of my obesity. There’s no time limit. I’m just going to enjoy life and not take things so serious. You should do the same. Don’t waste a minute.

Blog

Meet Jack and The Weeks That Led Me To Him

Jill L. Ware

Those that know well, know that I don’t keep things long. Cars, apartments, pets and you get the idea. The fact that I kept Annabelle for 15 years is saying a lot. I struggled after I laid her to rest. I eventually got a dog and because I didn’t ask permission from my roommate first had to take her back to the gentleman I got her from. After a few weeks and a move to a new location I got Jack from the local pound. He is going to be bigger than I usually like. But I think he is gracious that I saved him from the pound. He loves treats and is intrigued on all the things he can do to earn one. My husband and I decided crate training would be our best bet. So far so good. He is going to be my new treatment for my mental illness as Annabelle was.

Blog

Annabelle

Jill L. Ware

I watch if she slips away from me each day.

She cannot see me, or hear what I say.

Many times, she watched over me when I was bedridden, her agenda not hidden. She, my faithful companion nursing me.

Soon My turn to nurse her it will be.

As the days go on, she makes it outside to relieve herself less, but, she tries her best.

Annabelle is strong and has a fight in her since birth. I miss the days she slept with me, went to work with me. We were great together.

It seems as if our time together is nearing its end. I pray that she goes on her own, to her death I cannot her send.

I will hold my love for her deep in my heart, even after this earth she parts.

Blog, Poetry

Faithful Companion

Jill L. Ware
A companion can come in many shapes and sizes. Mine happens to be in the form of a dog. She has seen me through many of battles with those that were supposed to be faithful companions. Her loyalty to me always holds true. Annabelle joined me when my oldest son left home after high school. She has seen me cry, scream, laugh, and sometimes act a complete nutcase. Yet she has never left me or judged me. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve moved, there she was at my side with no judgment, as always. We both have aged since our first meeting. Not long from now. I will be missing her scratching the food bowl at 2 AM and her snoring. A more faithful friend I shall never meet.
Blog, Poetry

Medication Overload

Jill L. Ware
Month supply

How do you know when you are over medicated? Do your doctors collaborate on your treatment of various illnessesWith that she took me off the Rituxan drip. I left that visit Dumbfounded. I had no idea RA could go into remission the following visit the rheumatologist replaced the reduction with a different drug. I did not understand why I needed the new drug if my RA was in remission. Doctor says it is maintenance to keep it in The stage. My psychiatric meds aren’t much better. I take several psych meds and disorder pills. He prescribes one and adjust another. Five separate medication‘s to treat my several mood disorders.

Blog

What RA Remission Means To Me

Jill L. Ware
Before and after

I was diagnosed 24 years ago with RA. It took over my life. Everything revolved around my pain and sickness. At times, I’d be bedridden and require assistance with routine things. We started with Enbrel, Humira, and xeljanz. The Xeljanz increased my pain and inflammation. as one more attempt, the doctor started me on a Rituxan drip twice every six months. As you can see in the photos, it is working as with any drugs, there are side effects, my side effects for rare. I got up upset stomach, which caused me to lose 129 pounds without trying. For the time being, we have stopped the Rituxan because my disease level is almost done. Also cannot afford to lose any more weight. There is no cure and remission only last temporarily I’m going to enjoy the extra mobility and spend lots of time with my grandchildren. My quality of life is so much better now.