Category: Blog

Blog

My 29 year Old Son and His Diabetes Journey

Jill L. Ware

A couple of weeks ago my son made a male Wellness visit with a doctor. After his first appointment he was diagnosed with what is called 1.5 diabetes or Lada. They didn’t diagnose him as type one because of his age, or type two because he’s very lean and tall.

When the doctor first drew his blood it was 360. In 3 weeks he has gotten his numbers to be in the 120 range but occasionally he will get a good-sized spike. Hence, now he has celiac disease also. Since he started cutting the gluten out of his meals it has eliminated his spikes.

Let me say that my son other than his appendix out and Eyeglasses has never been sick. But his body had been requiring an app most afternoons. About a week into his new lifestyle he thought he was losing his eyesight. Not even. Without his glasses he has 20/20 vision now. That being said he started having vision problems at 15. I believe that is how long he has had this.

The doctor had my son go in for an ultrasound on his pancreas and kidneys do to the several years with the high sugars and to see if there’s any damage instead what they found was a tumor on his liver he is waiting for an appointment for that has not taken care of yet.

My son is amazing he just rolls with the punches. He must have gotten that gene from his father. As a parent I feel like I failed him somehow like it was my job as a parent to know something was wrong with him all the way back to his teens. It’s been about 3 weeks and he has his numbers looking much better. If anyone would like to share some advice to a learner diabetic it would be greatly appreciated.

Blog

Contentment

Jill L. Ware

I sit here in this apartment thinking to myself, “These walls are closing in on me.”. I feel the urge to organize and clean. ” How can I arrange the furniture to open it up more?” I ask myself.

I can feel it happening. The old habit of always having to find faults in circumstances and relationships. Yes, I am medicated and doing the best I can to change my thoughts. Knowing I have bipolar and BPD helps me to watch my behaviors and reactions to others behaviors. I have gotten so much better. Progress no matter how small is still progress.

It’s embarrassing to tell people I moved again, change cars or switch things I collect or hobbies. With my BPD I always feel the need to change things up. Luckily I have a husband and family I can discuss my thoughts with and not be judged by them. I refrain from telling acquaintances certain things for fear of being judged. Not that it would happen. It is all the self doubt and me.

Most the time just telling someone my thoughts and bouncing them off of them they can give me ideas or advice. I get a new perspective on things. I focus on certain things and miss other things going on around me. I’m missing others dealing with their stuff. It’s not all about me! It’s not all about me!

Blog

Marijuana Use For My Mental Illness

Jill L. Ware
I do have a state issued medical card for this!

A couple of years ago I started smoking marijuana to help with some of my mood disorders. I believe it helps with my Mania and my sleep. I have to adjust how much I smoke when I am going to be in a social situation. Ocassionally I get a bit paranoid if the smoke is to strong.

My phsychiatrist would rather I don’t smoke. But it does things for me that my five mental meds cannot.

What I am wondering is if you could leave comments about your experience with marijuana and mental illness.

Blog

Exploring My BPD And The Behaviors or Patterns It May Or May Not Cause In My Life

Jill L. Ware

It is not uncommon for me to feel like I don’t fit in anywhere I go. Sometime I get in the car to go somewhere, and end up driving aimlessly. I start to head to one place and before reaching it I turn around and head somewhere else. I do do this often.

I ignore phone calls, even from those who love me.. I just need a break. The woman I see in the mirror I see as a mess. What do others think of me?

You must meet a certain criteria to be diagnosed with BPD. These are some of the criteria I meet.

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. Is a pattern of unstable and intense relationships

3.  Unstable sense of self aimed identity

4.  Impulsive actions that are self damaging such as drug abuse excessive spending and promiscuity

5. Unstable intense moods or emotions that can be triggered by events

6. Is inappropriate or intense anger that is difficult to control

Doctors believe BPD manifest from childhood traumas or the surroundings you grew up in.. There is no cure for BPD but medications can help with some of the symptoms.

I told my doctor once that I felt guilty about not knowing I was mentally ill that it probably ended my marriage. She told me that my reactions to his abuse would have been different, but I would have still been getting abused.

As I play back memories of certain important situations and my reaction to those situations at least 50% of them were a 1 second with no thought lash out. Harsh words meant to hurt. The pain whether it was imagined or not always feels real to the people with BPD.

One of my BPD behaviors I can’t seem to kick is shaving my hair I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. Therefore, I shave my head. And for the life of me what is this having to have everyone’s approval about? I hate that I care so much about what people think of me.

I’m sure I have many more BPD behaviors but I will save those for another day. Put your best foot forward and always be kind because you never know the path someone else walks.

Blog

Mood Cycling

Jill L. Ware

It has been a few weeks since I posted anything. I have required a bit more sleep lately. I don`t understand how I could be depressed when I have a good life.

I have a epidural this week that I have been stressing over. And worrying about my grandchildren and grown boys is enough to make me mad.

How does one live a life without fear? I turn opportunities down all the time because of the fear in me. Especially fear of causing myself bodily harm. I miss out on the fun with the family and friends. Floating, four wheeling, hiking to name a few. I fear the unknown.

I can`t remember a time I was not fearful. At one time in my life my husband did dangerous things to teach me not to be fearful. All That did was cause PTSD.

I was recently having a conversation with my sister about how well I was doing with my medications. It couldn`t be depression. Afterwards I took a trip to the cabin and brought along my Bipolar explained book. Upon reading the first few chapters I realized I was cycling from my manic phase to my depressed state.

When I have to do things that involve interacting with others I get completely drained.

The entire time in my head I am asking myself, Am I talking to fast?, Can they tell I have mental illness?, Was that the wrong thing to say?.

I would like to know if any of you experience the awkwardness in social situations also. Please feel free to leave a comment.

Beautiful Mess

Blog, Poetry

A Fall Day

Jill L. Ware

The flag blows as to say, “Look at me!”. The ever changing colors of the trees.

Chimes hang from the gutters with care, the tunes they are quite rare.

The brass bell swaying just a bit, awaiting my departure in the trees the birds sit.

The sky a vibrant blue, fluffy clouds stare back at you.

Mums, gourds, pumpkins and spice, all that makes everything nice.

Today a day for the books, a fall day as beautiful as it looks.

Jill L. Ware

Blog

12 Years After Gastric Bypass

Jill L. Ware
Down 160 pounds have put 20 pounds on in 12 years

I had my surgery at a Program where you had support for life when needing guidance when struggling or needing a reset. As many places it closed up about 5 years ago.

Sometimes my eating or drinking soda get a bit out of control and I study about doing a pouch resest with my protien shakes and such. I do it and I get back on track.

Then life becomes hectic with watching grandkids or doctors appointments and the fast foods and soda sneak back in. Needless to say it is still a life long struggle. If I would just eat meat I would be fine. I fill my pouch properly. But pastas and carbs just seep right through leaving room for more food.

Of course, like most people with this surgery I have much unwanted loose skin in my arms, legs and tummy apron. You would think after 12 years I would be used to it. That is pretty much my only complaint about the surgery. I still feel 100 times better than I did before. Any problems I have ever had with having the surgery were caused by me not following guidelines.

If you struggle with your weight loss surgery just know you are not broken, just human. It was meant to be a tool, not a fix all. Just remember you can get back on track. Research doing a pouch reset. I won’t say how many times in 12 years I have had to do a reset. Get back on your bike and ride!!!! You know the routine like the back of your hand. Good luck and God bless!