I know the importance of routine mental health appointments throughout the year. It did not occur to me the entire six weeks I laid in bed my depression and anxiety in full swing.
I assumed it had only been a few months since my last mental health visit. In fact it had been six months.
This week I had a visit with my long time psychiatrist. He reminded me that if I am struggling in between visits that I can call for a visit.
It’s amazing the insight and advice from someone outside my usual sounding boards. Where am I going with this? If you are sad, anxious, depressed or having a hard time functioning in this crazy world we live in. Seeking help can make a huge difference. Tell someone else your crap can really lighten your load.
A couple of years ago I started smoking marijuana to help with some of my mood disorders. I believe it helps with my Mania and my sleep. I have to adjust how much I smoke when I am going to be in a social situation. Ocassionally I get a bit paranoid if the smoke is to strong.
My phsychiatrist would rather I don’t smoke. But it does things for me that my five mental meds cannot.
What I am wondering is if you could leave comments about your experience with marijuana and mental illness.
About this time last year I posted a very emotional and hysterical post about all the scary things taking place in the world. And at a later date after watching it again, I removed it.
I was embarassed by my tears and emotional video. What a difference a year makes. A year of the right phsychiatric meds. Today I feel all the things I did the day I recorded the video. My reaction to those thought is 100% different.
When I started this venture I promised I would post the good and the ugly. I wasn’t true to my word by deleting it. In the future I will do better at being honest and open about my behaviors. I hope that one day even just one of my post helps you in this very exhausting struggle to pretend to be normal.
My flowers came back to life after much attention was given to them. They had gotten hit by the last frost. Through much vigilance It slowly but surely got its strength back.
Now we need to take us much pride in ourselves as we do our possessions. Our Vessel should be our most prized possessions.
The alarm goes off, I spring into action. Shower, brush my teeth, do my hair and makeup and tend to the pets. Wake up honey lets go have coffee I tell my husband.
Can we go see the grandkids today? I ask. Do you want to visit the cabin? It is so nice this time of year. I’m having a good day.
Alarm goes off. I say,”Will you shut that fucking thing off.”. My husband asks, ” Want to go have coffee? “. No. I just want to sleep. I do have things to do today. I want nothing to do with any of it. I am absolutely exhausted. No desire to even get out of bed, and definitely not going in public today. It takes to much energy to pretend to be normal, and I am just not feeling up to it today. These are the days I am most use to. And to tell you the truth I enjoy my days of sollitude as compared to the days I am forced to socialize.
I give 100% when it comes to being a mother and grandmother. I put myself in uncomfortable situations all the time when tending to my loved ones. It really takes a toll on my mental illness at times. It is truly exhausting attempting to be the perfect grandparent and parent, I never fail them. In the process I become manic trying to keep up. Everything that goes up eventually must come down. Eventually, I plummit to the ground. You would think after all these years with these mental illnesses I would be expecting it, NOPE. As always the illness sneaks up and bites me right in the butt.
I start all over again taking extra care to take medications and get the rest I so desperately need. It last a week maybe two and the vicious cycle starts all over again.
It has been nearly two years since I started the Rituxan infusions, my quality of life increasing with each one. When I first started the infusions my vectra score was a 58. Which meant my disease activity was severe. My most recent blood work shows my vectra score at a 3. Down 55 points. Yes my teeth are paying the price and a bit of hair loss. When I started this journey I was pushing about 360 and on outings sometimes needed a wheelchair or cane. I eventually had gastric bypass, but the weight loss did not help my jont pain. I had tried all sorts of injections, the newest pills. Nothing worked. Then I started the Rituximab infusions. Game changer. I can now play with my grankids unlike with my children, I sat and watched. I am now about 195 and feel better than I have in years. There are side effects, like my teeth. But I will take it any day over the pain and fatigue I felt for almost 18 years. The best advice I can give is, if you think your treatment plans are not working as you would like. Change it, talk to your doctor. If you aren’t happy with your results, look at other options. I hope and pray that you find what works for you and whatever ails you. Life is to short to live in pain.
Our Roses Were Yellow 
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