Living with and overcoming Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder
A word I’ve been telling others my entire life,
To save face and not cause strife.
Even if I am sure I am right,
“Sorry!” I’ll say to avoid a fight.
Even though sorry is just a word,
Out of your mouth it will never be heard.
With me “Sorry!” Goes a long way.
It is something you”ll never say,
Jill L. Ware
Sometimes what life gives us is hard to take. One moves on, the other plans death by lake.
From others my feelings becoming detached, Ruined friendships that will never be patched.
Bad behaviors are they hers or are they mine? I wish her to leave I’ve drawn the line.
She comes out of me when I can’t find the words to say. Good thing, I was walking into traffic to play,
I cry, I am tired of the world today. She says whiney bitch get out of the way.
Often seen with a shake and a slur, is it me or is it her?
If she thinks I am being used, you are next to be abused.
When she plays I don’t have a clue, is it me or is it you?
My advice is stay away from Jill number one and two.
Jill L. Ware
Always making flight the choice for me, I’d stay if they’d let me be.
Tell me what to do and see what occurs, this is my life, not yours.
Tending to bullying I never do, I fear confrontation, no matter who.
Never making decision so I don’t get sick, too late now I have some ass to kick.
Pick a number get in line, after I’ve let you have it I will be fine.
When I am manic I talk big and bad, most of the time I’m just sad.
No specific reason why, every 10 years I wish to die.
I haven’t been me for a very long time, how do I regain a life that’s mine?
My companion gone nearly 2 years now, I managed thus far not knowing how.
I didn’t say I managed well, life since has been hell.
They say Love is patient, it is not always kind.
Jill L. Ware
I am so thankful that I finally have a diagnosis. I knew that something was wrong.
It took the doctors three years to finally figure out the problem . The specialist told me that I won’t be getting any more MRIs or CAT scans that I need to enjoy the time with my grandkids, I’m not sure Exactly being labeled as catastrophic means for me. But I’m sure it isn’t good. But at least now I can quit going to the Doctor. No more tests. Every major organ of mine has illnesses in them or masses. When I had the gastric bypass, my intestines were rerouted and now at least two of the things they need to get to they cannot because my intestines are in front of them.
Catastrophic: an unexpected event that causes great suffering or damage. From all points of view it would be a catastrophe.
Looking from all directions. Myself and a few family members knew that something wasn’t right. This has also affected my mental health.
Having the gastric bypass gave me 20 years, I probably would not have had because of my obesity. There’s no time limit. I’m just going to enjoy life and not take things so serious. You should do the same. Don’t waste a minute.
I saw you yesterday, in this game with you I play.
Keeping my distance so you don’t see, it is way past time to let it be.
I make sure not to cross the line, the game not yours but mine.
My schemes planned days ahead, our relationship a long time dead.
To get your approval I tried for years, my love for life reduced to tears.
The words you said I hear as if yesterday, you had no clue in my head they’d stay.
I look in the mirror as I become skin and bones, my self esteem someone else owns.
It doesn’t matter large or small, I’m not sure you loved me at all.
I pray one day to adapt a love for me, maybe then there will be no fear of letting you see. I’ll know there is nothing wrong with me.
I was diagnosed 24 years ago with RA. It took over my life. Everything revolved around my pain and sickness. At times, I’d be bedridden and require assistance with routine things. We started with Enbrel, Humira, and xeljanz. The Xeljanz increased my pain and inflammation. as one more attempt, the doctor started me on a Rituxan drip twice every six months. As you can see in the photos, it is working as with any drugs, there are side effects, my side effects for rare. I got up upset stomach, which caused me to lose 129 pounds without trying. For the time being, we have stopped the Rituxan because my disease level is almost done. Also cannot afford to lose any more weight. There is no cure and remission only last temporarily I’m going to enjoy the extra mobility and spend lots of time with my grandchildren. My quality of life is so much better now.
I know the importance of routine mental health appointments throughout the year. It did not occur to me the entire six weeks I laid in bed my depression and anxiety in full swing.
I assumed it had only been a few months since my last mental health visit. In fact it had been six months.
This week I had a visit with my long time psychiatrist. He reminded me that if I am struggling in between visits that I can call for a visit.
It’s amazing the insight and advice from someone outside my usual sounding boards. Where am I going with this? If you are sad, anxious, depressed or having a hard time functioning in this crazy world we live in. Seeking help can make a huge difference. Tell someone else your crap can really lighten your load.
A couple of years ago I started smoking marijuana to help with some of my mood disorders. I believe it helps with my Mania and my sleep. I have to adjust how much I smoke when I am going to be in a social situation. Ocassionally I get a bit paranoid if the smoke is to strong.
My phsychiatrist would rather I don’t smoke. But it does things for me that my five mental meds cannot.
What I am wondering is if you could leave comments about your experience with marijuana and mental illness.
I am quite the catch when you reel me in, my scales shiny and bright.
After a bit not at all what I’d been, seen in a different light.
I am struggling to breathe, thrashing to and fro.
Soon the air from my lungs will leave, It is now my time to go.
I am ready as I could ever be, please feel free to throw me back.
I belong in the water you see, It is the oxygen in which I lack.
I am a fish out of water!
About this time last year I posted a very emotional and hysterical post about all the scary things taking place in the world. And at a later date after watching it again, I removed it.
I was embarassed by my tears and emotional video. What a difference a year makes. A year of the right phsychiatric meds. Today I feel all the things I did the day I recorded the video. My reaction to those thought is 100% different.
When I started this venture I promised I would post the good and the ugly. I wasn’t true to my word by deleting it. In the future I will do better at being honest and open about my behaviors. I hope that one day even just one of my post helps you in this very exhausting struggle to pretend to be normal.
You must be logged in to post a comment.