sexual abuse – Our Roses Were Yellow

Contentment

October 31, 2021February 18, 2022 Jill L. Ware

I sit here in this apartment thinking to myself, “These walls are closing in on me.”. I feel the urge to organize and clean. ” How can I arrange the furniture to open it up more?” I ask myself.

I can feel it happening. The old habit of always having to find faults in circumstances and relationships. Yes, I am medicated and doing the best I can to change my thoughts. Knowing I have bipolar and BPD helps me to watch my behaviors and reactions to others behaviors. I have gotten so much better. Progress no matter how small is still progress.

It’s embarrassing to tell people I moved again, change cars or switch things I collect or hobbies. With my BPD I always feel the need to change things up. Luckily I have a husband and family I can discuss my thoughts with and not be judged by them. I refrain from telling acquaintances certain things for fear of being judged. Not that it would happen. It is all the self doubt and me.

Most the time just telling someone my thoughts and bouncing them off of them they can give me ideas or advice. I get a new perspective on things. I focus on certain things and miss other things going on around me. I’m missing others dealing with their stuff. It’s not all about me! It’s not all about me!

Blog

Marijuana Use For My Mental Illness

October 18, 2021 Jill L. Ware

I do have a state issued medical card for this!

A couple of years ago I started smoking marijuana to help with some of my mood disorders. I believe it helps with my Mania and my sleep. I have to adjust how much I smoke when I am going to be in a social situation. Ocassionally I get a bit paranoid if the smoke is to strong.

My phsychiatrist would rather I don’t smoke. But it does things for me that my five mental meds cannot.

What I am wondering is if you could leave comments about your experience with marijuana and mental illness.

Blog, Was My Junk Inhereited or A Consequence of My Traumas?

Was My Junk Inherited or A Consequence of My Traumas?

July 30, 2020July 30, 2020 Jill L. Ware

I do believe that a majority of my junk was inherited.. And that life traumas made the diseases progress.

After my parents divorced as a young child I begin stuttering and talking too fast. No amount of speech therapy fixed it. I still do it in anxious situations.

It is amazing how dysfunctional your childhood is, but you don’t realize it until adulthood.

I have a brother that became fanatically religious when I was a child. He and the other brother were in charge of taking care of my younger sister and I while our mother work to support us. NEVER do this people. NOT a good idea.

The religious brother was only trying to do what he saw in God’s eyes was right. But being locked in the closet until you memorize 25 Bible verses was quite ridiculous. He later in his early 20s was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. And he is a very kind and loving soul.

The other brother on the other hand was the complete opposite. I remember a time my eldest brother stomped the others stereo because of the devil music he was playing and chased him through the house to lay hands on him to cast the demons out of him. Finally, The younger brother pretended to be possessed and scared the other terribly. Yep, us girls did not have a fighting chance.

So, eventually the younger of the two boys decided it would be a good idea to practice on his sisters for a girl he was wanting to have sex with. 40 years later I can hear those words like it was yesterday. Every word, every demand, every threat. Until a few years ago I had no idea he practiced differently with my sister.

We never talked about it. my friend in the fifth grade was the only one I ever told. Years went by and coincidentally her daughter and my brothers stepdaughter became friends. Which they thought was leading to a sleepover. NOT. My friend from grade school told her daughter. My brother and I finally talked about it. He has absolutely no recollection whatsoever. It always made me feel better to make an excuse like, “It was drugs or alcohol that made him do it”. Then he informed me he didn’t do drugs didn’t tell me he was sorry he just doesn’t remember. I Do! Every single day of my grown-up life I can picture it like it was yesterday.

I am grateful for the few followers I have. But it’s nice to have a place to vent about this baggage I’ve been caring around for years. And this is just a few of the screwed up things that happened to me as a child. Just wait until I get to the adult stories!