Tag: addiction

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The Revenge Screw

Jill L. Ware

When I started this journey into blogging I stated I would mention the good the bad and the ugly. I didn’t just mean everyone else behavior. After all I do have bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I don’t have the behaviors near as often anymore. occasionally they do sneak out.

FYI this was many years ago. I was in a manic phase after divorcing the children’s dad. We moved to the husbands home town when the kids were very young. My husband had an old high school buddy that would come over and the minute he’d get to the door my husband would make me go hide ion the other room so that his friend couldn’t see that I was a larger woman. His exact words, “I don’t want him to see you are fat because he can get any woman he wants.”.

After years of verbal abuse about my size and illnesses we finally divorced. which led to lots of behaviors out of character for me. This is just one of the stories.

I’d been hitting the local bar on the weekend, on the prowl. one night a guy at the bar said, “Aren’t you a cutie, what’s your name?’. When I responded with my name, he asked if I was related to the ex. when I told him I was married too him for some time. he told me they use to be friends, I asked his name. Once he told me, i didn’t even think twice about my next step. He was going to be my puppet. It was the guy I was hid from him because of my size, and he loved my size.

I had him around the house a few times, just enough for the boys to see and tell their father. the father did ask me about being friends with his old school mate and all I could say is, “we aren’t friends just screw buddies.” My point is, I don’t really have a point I guess. Nothing like the fury of a woman scorned.

I like to think that I have matured by leaps and bounds since then. It wasn’t all that bad. He enjoyed giving massages and wine and the sex wasn’t that bad either.

P.S. Okay I may still be a little bit of a mess. But I am a beautiful one!

Blog, Where There Is Fear There Is No Faith

Where There Is Fear There Is No Faith!

Jill L. Ware

That saying is complete bull! Fear is a natural reaction to certain situations. Everyone was created different, so their reactions to things will be different.

I have an absolute fear of snakes, my niece adores them. Does that mean she has faith and I do not. NO. We just fear different things and that is okay.

One of my biggest fears is riding in a car that gets to close to the shoulder. I’m going to tell you how this fear became a part of who I am. It was not bred into me. Trauma or torcher depending on how you look at it, created it in me.

Husband number three was so nice and sweet, and a hard worker to boot. Things changed quickly after we married. I had married a controlling monster. He controlled me in many ways, but this one stuck.

On the way to Sunday morning service, which was quite a drive he got to close to the shoulder, when he saw me flinch his exact words were, “where there is fear there is no faith”. Until I acted not afraid he continued to drive like that. From that day on it was one of his games with me.

One day our vehicle broke down in traffic. I began crying, he sat there and refused to fix it until I quit crying. One of the last times I road with him he had set cruise control at 45mph on the interstate. I asked if he was trying to get us killed. He reset the cruise for 35mph.

I did eventually divorce him. The fear he caused in me followed me to the wonderful husband I have now. In the beginning when he’d see me cringe while he was driving he’d get defensive. Four years later he asks me if I’m okay. And tries to stay away from the shoulder as much as possible.

All of the little imperfections or glitches in us make us unique. Just have faith and never let your fears consume you!

Blog, concrete walls without windows are like a prison to a child

Concrete Walls Without Windows Are A Prison To A Child!

Jill L. Ware

My sister has always said this big eyes photo reminds her of us as children living in the basement. Except her pet was stuffed.

After my mother and father divorced our mother married a Yellow Freight driver that she had met while waiting tables in a truck stop. He was quite a bit older than her. All of his kids were grown and gone but one. My mother brought all five of us with her.

Unfortunately our mother was the only one of us allowed upstairs in the home with the exception of a bath or dinner. And lord forbid we didn’t chew our food slow enough or rested our arms on the table.

Being the devout christian that my eldest brother was, he found himself preaching in the smoking lounges. Which led to people at school hanging him by his cowboy boots over banisters. He eventually went to live with our father and his new wife, that didn’t last long. A couple from church took him in.

The step brother living at home didn’t get along with one of my brothers. Even concrete walls couldn’t keep them from fighting. We had no windows, that I can remember anyway. My sister and I spent so much time down there that one time we crocheted with our fingers a rope that reached a mile. Asking to go out to play in the winter wasn’t a good idea. When a parent tells you if you go out you are staying out, a child doesn’t understand the consequences. It was freaking cold. All I know is we wanted to build a snowman.

I don’t think that my sister and I handled the dark confinement of the basement well. We were not locked in, but knew there were consequences if we didn’t have permission. We did have tv and clean beds. It wasn’t horrible, just depressing. Thank heavens mother loved us more. She divorced him a year to the day of their marriage. We moved and all of us were together again. I loved singing with My eldest brother his praise and worship. I was happy he was back with us. We had a great summer. Fishing and playing and being kids. But those basement walls are forever etched in our memory. My mom finally found us a home, no more rentals. Which ended up being “The little house of horrors”. My mother was a wonderful mother. She wasn’t home a ton. She was working multiple jobs. When the parents are away the children will play.!

Blog, Today Was A Good Day!

A Good Day!

Jill L. Ware

I put together a puzzle today. It seems to help when I’m struggling mentally. My problem is that my Lithium and Wellbutrin slow me down. Sometimes life gets so busy I can’t keep up, then I intentionally stop my psychiatric medications so I can not be so run down. Then first two weeks are great, then slowly I start getting nervous in cars as passenger. Next I begin thinking everything everyone says to me is meant as sarcasm. Finally the people around catch my wrath.

Most the time I’m considered a very sweet lady. But only my loved ones get to see the nasty side of me. That’s a lie. Over the years I’m sure there were a few customers I let have it.

The day ended great. My granddaughter Anaya stayed over. And I’m keeping her up past her bedtime.

Hopefully tomorrow I have a bit more energy. A little bit today I had to force myself to move.

Poetry

Share Your Blessings

Jill L. Ware

We are all blessed with gifts we can’t see.

What are yours, what could they be?

Look close upon you what the Savior has bestowed.

It isn’t anything you were owed.

It was by the grace of God you were saved,

All your sins could be waived.

Accept the Father with an open heart,

From all the others you will be set apart.

Share with others all you’ve been gifted,

So they also may have their spirits lifted.

Your blessings are bountiful,

Don’t you see, God made you beautiful!

Jill L. Ware

Poetry

Changed Woman

Jill L. Ware

Let me say this loud and clear,

Don’t always believe of me what you hear.

My mind has been partitioned-rearranged,

Rendering my previous behaviors changed.

Learning to say no and stand my ground,

Hasn’t left many of my so called friends around.

With me that’s absolutely fine,

I truly enjoy alone most of the time.

For those I use to enable,

Feel free to sit at a different table.

Maybe you’ll learn to take care of you,

I have done all I can do.

From here on out I must take care of me,

I am a changed woman, watch and see!

Jill L. Ware

Blog

The Two Paths

Jill L. Ware

These photos are like my life. One minute nice and smooth and the next rough terrain. It’s how we handle the ride that’s important. The more of the rough waters we survive the more we appreciate the smoother paths. Our trials are what make us who we are, helps build our character. Sometimes for the better, other times not so much.

Hope on the horizon!

Blog

Wondering Aimlessly

Jill L. Ware

Do you ever catch yourself going from place to place to place and feeling like you don’t belong anywhere. Or sometimes you can be in a room full of people and feel like you’re completely alone. That’s how I have felt the past two days. I go somewhere and stay five or 10 minutes and have an itch to go somewhere else for five or 10 minutes. I can’t seem to shut my brain down. I’m concentrating to much on the negative crap instead of the important things. I think I need more grandma time. Although, Anaya did tell me she wanted to see her daddy give me a spanking the other day. She is always good for a laugh or two. I had my first full day of the shop open and handled it well. It’s bed time and tomorrow is a new day. I have the house to myself. I’ll pray for inspiration.

Poetry

I Am She

Jill L. Ware

She lived her life only for that day,

Walking alone and scared.

If she knew the world would be this way,

She never would have cared.

She cries herself to sleep,

To her, his promises he’d never keep.

Her pillow soaking up the tears,

To her months felt like years.

How he truly felt she was unaware,

Otherwise, she wouldn’t of followed him everywhere.

He wasn’t just her friend,

Sooner or later it was destined to end.

She plays scenarios over in her head,

She’s sure his actions weren’t misread.

She knows it wasn’t a lie,

That he loved her and didn’t have to try.

It seems 100 years have gone by,

He rejects her, I don’t know why.

She will forgive him once again,

So that her mind he doesn’t win.

I am she,

And no longer need him to love me.

Jill L. Ware

#depression #love #bipolar #borderline