Living with and overcoming Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder
This man who melts my heart, From all the others he is set apart.
This man that puts his needs last, he’s helped me forget that past.
This man with eyes of blue, has been better for me than I ever knew.
We have our days that’s for sure, for the bad days there’s no cure.
I see forever when I truly see the man he has become, it is him for me or none.
It has taken 20 years to get where we are, our lives are better by far.
This man is mine!
You are in charge of what you view. If your life needs a change, do it! If you are getting tired of the people you run with, change it. Not happy in the church you are attending, try several new ones. You choose you view. Be like me and find a good one.
Society is like this bunch of candies. All different flavors and packaging. Some of us covered by the blessings of our God. It is up to us to preach of his love and faithfulness. So those that are weak and naked may have the opportunity to be clothed in his redemption and love.
If you aren’t someone she sees almost ever day,
With you her monster likely won’t play.
If she cares for you even the slightest bit,
Out of nowhere her monster you might get.
She tries to keep him on a short chain,
All the while inside her he’s raising Cain.
For no reason at all,
Out of her he crawls.
Like a lion you will hear his roar,
Have you seen him before?
For those that love her it is a blessing and a curse.
You’ve seen her better, seen her worse.
She is confusing to say the least,
A beauty living with her beast.
My desire to be the best grandmother I can be is one of the most important things to me. That these children don’t have to see the side of me that my children did. Not towards them, but towards my abusive husbands.
Although, some days these little ones give me a run for my money. The fighting and bickering among the older cousins can be exhausting.
I love these babies so much, not more than I did their parents. I just know about mental illness now, unlike when their fathers were young. I had no idea that something was wrong with me. I don’t think in the beginning I was ill. I believe years of verbal abuse about my size and everything else he thought was wrong with me caused my illnesses. And I have been fighting the good fight ever since. I wouldn’t say I am winning the fight, but I am definetly not losing.
I wake up everyday witht the mentallity of just that. “Today is a new day!” I can pick and choose what version of me that I am going to be. I love me today, so far.
The alarm goes off, I spring into action. Shower, brush my teeth, do my hair and makeup and tend to the pets. Wake up honey lets go have coffee I tell my husband.
Can we go see the grandkids today? I ask. Do you want to visit the cabin? It is so nice this time of year. I’m having a good day.
Alarm goes off. I say,”Will you shut that fucking thing off.”. My husband asks, ” Want to go have coffee? “. No. I just want to sleep. I do have things to do today. I want nothing to do with any of it. I am absolutely exhausted. No desire to even get out of bed, and definitely not going in public today. It takes to much energy to pretend to be normal, and I am just not feeling up to it today. These are the days I am most use to. And to tell you the truth I enjoy my days of sollitude as compared to the days I am forced to socialize.
I give 100% when it comes to being a mother and grandmother. I put myself in uncomfortable situations all the time when tending to my loved ones. It really takes a toll on my mental illness at times. It is truly exhausting attempting to be the perfect grandparent and parent, I never fail them. In the process I become manic trying to keep up. Everything that goes up eventually must come down. Eventually, I plummit to the ground. You would think after all these years with these mental illnesses I would be expecting it, NOPE. As always the illness sneaks up and bites me right in the butt.
I start all over again taking extra care to take medications and get the rest I so desperately need. It last a week maybe two and the vicious cycle starts all over again.
Today….It was a good day. Tomorrow……We will see.
Those lips and how they made me feel,
Never had anything felt so real,
Thoughts of you pour like rain.
I’d sell my soul to taste them once again.
I visit you in my dreams.
We, you’ve forgotten it seems.
I don’t fight them anymore,
Are you just as you were before,
I prayed one day I’d be your wife,
And with you i would spend my life,
Together we had been.
Our love destined not to win.
It lives on in my memories,
I miss you when no one sees.
Jill L. Ware
I don’t know if it’s from turning fifty or that this pandemic has caused financial strain and anxiety in my life.
The one thing I can be sure of is that my husband has probably thought about divorcing me. I would if I were him.
Just when my moods couldn’t get any worse, my husband dropped a tree on my truck. At the time I was nice and sweet. But as the days go on, knowing fixing it isn’t in the budget and selling it would be stupid when we just paid a ton of money fixing it my mood flares about it.
I’m sure taking my inhaler is aggravating my mood some. I just can’t seem to breathe. There are a few people I’ve been avoiding because of my racing thoughts about how they have wronged me recently. Not that they have, I just perceive that they have.
I just feel like a bomb waiting to go off. And like a failure at everything I do. I prayed when I turned fifty that I wouldn’t get all off the charts with my moods like my sister did. At this rate my moods may top hers.
Please pray for me to gain peace over whatever is going on in my head.
When I started this journey into blogging I stated I would mention the good the bad and the ugly. I didn’t just mean everyone else behavior. After all I do have bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I don’t have the behaviors near as often anymore. occasionally they do sneak out.
FYI this was many years ago. I was in a manic phase after divorcing the children’s dad. We moved to the husbands home town when the kids were very young. My husband had an old high school buddy that would come over and the minute he’d get to the door my husband would make me go hide ion the other room so that his friend couldn’t see that I was a larger woman. His exact words, “I don’t want him to see you are fat because he can get any woman he wants.”.
After years of verbal abuse about my size and illnesses we finally divorced. which led to lots of behaviors out of character for me. This is just one of the stories.
I’d been hitting the local bar on the weekend, on the prowl. one night a guy at the bar said, “Aren’t you a cutie, what’s your name?’. When I responded with my name, he asked if I was related to the ex. when I told him I was married too him for some time. he told me they use to be friends, I asked his name. Once he told me, i didn’t even think twice about my next step. He was going to be my puppet. It was the guy I was hid from him because of my size, and he loved my size.
I had him around the house a few times, just enough for the boys to see and tell their father. the father did ask me about being friends with his old school mate and all I could say is, “we aren’t friends just screw buddies.” My point is, I don’t really have a point I guess. Nothing like the fury of a woman scorned.
I like to think that I have matured by leaps and bounds since then. It wasn’t all that bad. He enjoyed giving massages and wine and the sex wasn’t that bad either.
P.S. Okay I may still be a little bit of a mess. But I am a beautiful one!
Our Roses Were Yellow 
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