Tag: bipolar

Blog, Life Is Good

Life Is Good…When I Want It To Be

Jill L. Ware

The alarm goes off, I spring into action. Shower, brush my teeth, do my hair and makeup and tend to the pets. Wake up honey lets go have coffee I tell my husband.

Can we go see the grandkids today? I ask. Do you want to visit the cabin? It is so nice this time of year. I’m having a good day.

Alarm goes off. I say,”Will you shut that fucking thing off.”. My husband asks, ” Want to go have coffee? “. No. I just want to sleep. I do have things to do today. I want nothing to do with any of it. I am absolutely exhausted. No desire to even get out of bed, and definitely not going in public today. It takes to much energy to pretend to be normal, and I am just not feeling up to it today. These are the days I am most use to. And to tell you the truth I enjoy my days of sollitude as compared to the days I am forced to socialize.

I give 100% when it comes to being a mother and grandmother. I put myself in uncomfortable situations all the time when tending to my loved ones. It really takes a toll on my mental illness at times. It is truly exhausting attempting to be the perfect grandparent and parent, I never fail them. In the process I become manic trying to keep up. Everything that goes up eventually must come down. Eventually, I plummit to the ground. You would think after all these years with these mental illnesses I would be expecting it, NOPE. As always the illness sneaks up and bites me right in the butt.

I start all over again taking extra care to take medications and get the rest I so desperately need. It last a week maybe two and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Today….It was a good day. Tomorrow……We will see.

Thankful for a blessed day!
Poetry, young love

Young Love

Jill L. Ware

Those lips and how they made me feel,

Never had anything felt so real,

Thoughts of you pour like rain.

I’d sell my soul to taste them once again.

I visit you in my dreams.

We, you’ve forgotten it seems.

I don’t fight them anymore,         

Are you just as you were before,

I prayed one day I’d be your wife,

And with you i would spend my life,

Together we had been.

Our love destined not to win.

It lives on in my memories,

I miss you when no one sees.

Jill L. Ware

Poetry

Be You!

Jill L. Ware

Put on your best smile, go that extra mile.

Be courteous and nice, don’t ever think twice.

Lift up one another, be your neighbors brother.

Love with all your might, don’t give up without a fight.

Ask for nothing in return, be the example so they can learn.

Be you, let your light shine through.

Be the spark that leads them from the dark.

Most of all, always be you!

Jill L. Ware

Blog

Confessions Of A Disoriented Blogger #2

Jill L. Ware

I always have felt lost. Everything has to change all the time. That’s the BPD a subject for a different day. I suffered depression for many years. But then when I entered into a very abusive relationship, I couldn’t do anything right. I was never the same. I was to fat, dinner didn’t taste good. you name it, I wasn’t good at it.

After some time I started having thoughts of running my truck into semi’s or cliffs. That went on for years. I divorced him after 14 years of abuse. What I wasn’t prepared for was grieving him like I had buried him like he had died. Plus I gave up my son 50% of the time. Eventually, all I could think about is how I was going to do it. I had to wait until the boys were gone. And the minute they were I was in such a hurry I left the car door wide open, door to the house and the knife drawer with knifes scattered everywhere.

I did it, I slit my wrist. Fortunately, I just did a bunch of surface wounds because there wasn’t a sharp knife in the house. I wasn’t allowed knives in the house for years. I struggled for several years with several mood disorders, and was being abused again. I was married to a monster. And until I got rid of him I had no family, and the grandchild I was about to have was not allowed to be a part of my life. He was dangerous. I felt trapped. If I left I had to fear his wrath. I was going to do it the easy way. I took a handful of pills. They made me sick but I am still here.

I still from time to time get thoughts of self harm, Usually after feeling I’ve let my loved ones down. I have a lot to live for, with mental illness we become blinded at times.

Blog, Feeling Really Messed Up Lately

Feeling Really Messed Up Lately

Jill L. Ware

I don’t know if it’s from turning fifty or that this pandemic has caused financial strain and anxiety in my life.

The one thing I can be sure of is that my husband has probably thought about divorcing me. I would if I were him.

Just when my moods couldn’t get any worse, my husband dropped a tree on my truck. At the time I was nice and sweet. But as the days go on, knowing fixing it isn’t in the budget and selling it would be stupid when we just paid a ton of money fixing it my mood flares about it.

I’m sure taking my inhaler is aggravating my mood some. I just can’t seem to breathe. There are a few people I’ve been avoiding because of my racing thoughts about how they have wronged me recently. Not that they have, I just perceive that they have.

I just feel like a bomb waiting to go off. And like a failure at everything I do. I prayed when I turned fifty that I wouldn’t get all off the charts with my moods like my sister did. At this rate my moods may top hers.

Please pray for me to gain peace over whatever is going on in my head.

Blog

The Revenge Screw

Jill L. Ware

When I started this journey into blogging I stated I would mention the good the bad and the ugly. I didn’t just mean everyone else behavior. After all I do have bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I don’t have the behaviors near as often anymore. occasionally they do sneak out.

FYI this was many years ago. I was in a manic phase after divorcing the children’s dad. We moved to the husbands home town when the kids were very young. My husband had an old high school buddy that would come over and the minute he’d get to the door my husband would make me go hide ion the other room so that his friend couldn’t see that I was a larger woman. His exact words, “I don’t want him to see you are fat because he can get any woman he wants.”.

After years of verbal abuse about my size and illnesses we finally divorced. which led to lots of behaviors out of character for me. This is just one of the stories.

I’d been hitting the local bar on the weekend, on the prowl. one night a guy at the bar said, “Aren’t you a cutie, what’s your name?’. When I responded with my name, he asked if I was related to the ex. when I told him I was married too him for some time. he told me they use to be friends, I asked his name. Once he told me, i didn’t even think twice about my next step. He was going to be my puppet. It was the guy I was hid from him because of my size, and he loved my size.

I had him around the house a few times, just enough for the boys to see and tell their father. the father did ask me about being friends with his old school mate and all I could say is, “we aren’t friends just screw buddies.” My point is, I don’t really have a point I guess. Nothing like the fury of a woman scorned.

I like to think that I have matured by leaps and bounds since then. It wasn’t all that bad. He enjoyed giving massages and wine and the sex wasn’t that bad either.

P.S. Okay I may still be a little bit of a mess. But I am a beautiful one!