Author: Jill L. Ware

Hello! I am a lot of things. First and foremost, I am me. Like it or leave it I believe God made me just as I am. That I need to go through these trials and tribulation to become who it is I am meant to be. does it suck? yes it does. I have two sons and three granddaughter and one on the way. I've been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder for several years. This is a way to let my words out, get them out of my head. You are not alone in your struggle with these diseases, it's exhausting trying to be normal. Or what we percieve as normal.
Blog

Annabelle

Jill L. Ware

I watch if she slips away from me each day.

She cannot see me, or hear what I say.

Many times, she watched over me when I was bedridden, her agenda not hidden. She, my faithful companion nursing me.

Soon My turn to nurse her it will be.

As the days go on, she makes it outside to relieve herself less, but, she tries her best.

Annabelle is strong and has a fight in her since birth. I miss the days she slept with me, went to work with me. We were great together.

It seems as if our time together is nearing its end. I pray that she goes on her own, to her death I cannot her send.

I will hold my love for her deep in my heart, even after this earth she parts.

Poetry

Game Over

Jill L. Ware

I saw you yesterday, in this game with you I play.

Keeping my distance so you don’t see, it is way past time to let it be.

I make sure not to cross the line, the game not yours but mine.

My schemes planned days ahead, our relationship a long time dead.

To get your approval I tried for years, my love for life reduced to tears.

The words you said I hear as if yesterday,  you had no clue in my head they’d stay.

I look in the mirror as I become skin and bones, my self esteem someone else owns.

It doesn’t matter large or small, I’m not sure you loved me at all.

I pray one day to adapt a love for me, maybe then there will be no fear of letting you see. I’ll know there is nothing wrong with me.

Blog, Poetry

Faithful Companion

Jill L. Ware
A companion can come in many shapes and sizes. Mine happens to be in the form of a dog. She has seen me through many of battles with those that were supposed to be faithful companions. Her loyalty to me always holds true. Annabelle joined me when my oldest son left home after high school. She has seen me cry, scream, laugh, and sometimes act a complete nutcase. Yet she has never left me or judged me. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve moved, there she was at my side with no judgment, as always. We both have aged since our first meeting. Not long from now. I will be missing her scratching the food bowl at 2 AM and her snoring. A more faithful friend I shall never meet.
Blog, Poetry

Medication Overload

Jill L. Ware
Month supply

How do you know when you are over medicated? Do your doctors collaborate on your treatment of various illnessesWith that she took me off the Rituxan drip. I left that visit Dumbfounded. I had no idea RA could go into remission the following visit the rheumatologist replaced the reduction with a different drug. I did not understand why I needed the new drug if my RA was in remission. Doctor says it is maintenance to keep it in The stage. My psychiatric meds aren’t much better. I take several psych meds and disorder pills. He prescribes one and adjust another. Five separate medication‘s to treat my several mood disorders.

Blog

What RA Remission Means To Me

Jill L. Ware
Before and after

I was diagnosed 24 years ago with RA. It took over my life. Everything revolved around my pain and sickness. At times, I’d be bedridden and require assistance with routine things. We started with Enbrel, Humira, and xeljanz. The Xeljanz increased my pain and inflammation. as one more attempt, the doctor started me on a Rituxan drip twice every six months. As you can see in the photos, it is working as with any drugs, there are side effects, my side effects for rare. I got up upset stomach, which caused me to lose 129 pounds without trying. For the time being, we have stopped the Rituxan because my disease level is almost done. Also cannot afford to lose any more weight. There is no cure and remission only last temporarily I’m going to enjoy the extra mobility and spend lots of time with my grandchildren. My quality of life is so much better now.

Blog, Poetry

Grandparents that raise their grandchildren

Jill L. Ware

Over the years I’ve had many grandparents raising grandkids frequent my place of employment. Have always had respect for them. Until recently, I had no idea how exhausting and stressful it could be. My son and his wife went on a four-day vacation and I stayed with the three kids. It was absolutely exhausting. The minute my butt cheeks hit the couch. There was one screaming “grandma come here”. The meals, laundry, baths and picking up never ends. What I’m getting at is that if you see grandparents raising grandkids, pat them on the back. I only did it for four days, and was ready to lose my sanity.

Blog, Poetry

Finding Balance Eludes Me

Jill L. Ware

You’d think with all the medications I am on that it would keep my moods under control. My thoughts lately I’ve kept myself. Needless to say, most of them are mean. I refuse to let them escape me.

I roll all these thoughts around in my head day and night. The conversations I’ve had with loved ones playing in my head. I picked them apart, one by one to decipher their meaning. The only change my doctor has made with my meds is swapping my Wellbutrin at night for olanzapine.

The doctor did this because he was seeing symptoms of paranoia in me. There is paranoia in my family genetics, the doctor actually a couple doctors have told me they think my pot smoking is causing several illnesses in me. I had never heard anything so stupid. I asked if I should quit for a few weeks and see. She said full results of quitting wouldn’t show for six months. I decided to do my research on the subject. In some cases by quitting, the issues fix themselves, and when the person starts back symptoms return.

I am sick of not thinking right. I started my pot free life five days ago. I pray that it fixes some of the wrong thinking. Also a few other things as well.

I could use some encouragement or advice. I haven’t blogged in quite some time. If I blog more often, it would probably benefit me. I’ve been in the state of “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”. I have been hiding from society, I don’t like the monster in me.