Category: Blog

Blog, What Do You Do when you are manic

What Do You Do when You Are Manic?

Jill L. Ware

When I have extra energy from my mania I grow things, then I pressurize some for the future. We will need it one day, probably soon the way the world is. And what is left I sit out for all the people in our retirement complex.

Do your best to find constructive things to put all of your anxieties into. I know sometimes it is easier said than done. As long as you know you tried, it doesn’t even matter if you fail. Anyway you will be the only one that knows.

Believe me when I say I had no idea I was even in a manic state until my doctor made me stop smoking pot because it was causing paranoia, and put me on risperidone. It was like someone took a pair of distorted glasses off of me. And I could see clearly again.

The world looks much better through my red polka dot glasses these days. If you are reading this I hope what see through your eyes becomes more focused for you. Peace Out!

Blog, He Is So Not Like Me, Poetry

He Is So Not Like Me

Jill L. Ware

I have loved him since the day he was conceived, the joy he brought me I’d never believe.

His personality was that of a clown, lifting me up when I was down.

He was terrified to go on stage, which got much better with age.

Eventually I left his dad, It was the worst feeling I ever had.

Joint custody was not for me, forever changed our life would be.

Me his mother you would never guess, what a beautiful mess.

Drums, guitar, piano are just a few, of the many things he can do.

He is smarter than I ever was, excellent at all he does.

He will never know the love I carry in me, forever in my heart he will always be.

Jill L. Ware

Blog, marijuana and Mental Illness

Marijuana Use and Mental Illness

Jill L. Ware

It has been a while since I have posted anything. Recently I had a visit with the mental health professional. It didn’t go well. Two year ago I applied for my medical marijuana card. When I was approved, I started smoking it up. Only in the evenings. My moods had become quit unpredictable which was not exactly out of character for me. My moods were increasing daily. I began being very suspicious of people and situations.

My doctor has been treating for twenty years, he knows me very well. Let me tell you now schizophrenia runs in my family.Apparently not everyone should be smoking marijuana. Because I already have mental health issues and schizophrenia runs in the family I was getting more unstable the more I smoked. The moral of the story, not everyone should get stoned. It may help many, but can also be harmful to some.

Blessed Beyond Measure, Blog

Blessed Beyond Measure

Jill L. Ware

I Love My Family! What a beautiful gathering we had for Mother’s Day.

Anaya, Adalyn, Jayson, Me and Hope
My beautiful mother and baby Jayson
Hope Azalea is precious
Joshie to me he will always be
Aunt Whitney and Uncle Casey Getting baby fever?
Cheyanne probably feels like she is at the daycare
Best Version Of Me, Blog

My Desire To Be Their Grandma Jill

Jill L. Ware
The reasons I keep my crap together as much as I do

My desire to be the best grandmother I can be is one of the most important things to me. That these children don’t have to see the side of me that my children did. Not towards them, but towards my abusive husbands.

Although, some days these little ones give me a run for my money. The fighting and bickering among the older cousins can be exhausting.

I love these babies so much, not more than I did their parents. I just know about mental illness now, unlike when their fathers were young. I had no idea that something was wrong with me. I don’t think in the beginning I was ill. I believe years of verbal abuse about my size and everything else he thought was wrong with me caused my illnesses. And I have been fighting the good fight ever since. I wouldn’t say I am winning the fight, but I am definetly not losing.

I wake up everyday witht the mentallity of just that. “Today is a new day!” I can pick and choose what version of me that I am going to be. I love me today, so far.

Blog, Life Is Good

Life Is Good…When I Want It To Be

Jill L. Ware

The alarm goes off, I spring into action. Shower, brush my teeth, do my hair and makeup and tend to the pets. Wake up honey lets go have coffee I tell my husband.

Can we go see the grandkids today? I ask. Do you want to visit the cabin? It is so nice this time of year. I’m having a good day.

Alarm goes off. I say,”Will you shut that fucking thing off.”. My husband asks, ” Want to go have coffee? “. No. I just want to sleep. I do have things to do today. I want nothing to do with any of it. I am absolutely exhausted. No desire to even get out of bed, and definitely not going in public today. It takes to much energy to pretend to be normal, and I am just not feeling up to it today. These are the days I am most use to. And to tell you the truth I enjoy my days of sollitude as compared to the days I am forced to socialize.

I give 100% when it comes to being a mother and grandmother. I put myself in uncomfortable situations all the time when tending to my loved ones. It really takes a toll on my mental illness at times. It is truly exhausting attempting to be the perfect grandparent and parent, I never fail them. In the process I become manic trying to keep up. Everything that goes up eventually must come down. Eventually, I plummit to the ground. You would think after all these years with these mental illnesses I would be expecting it, NOPE. As always the illness sneaks up and bites me right in the butt.

I start all over again taking extra care to take medications and get the rest I so desperately need. It last a week maybe two and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Today….It was a good day. Tomorrow……We will see.

Thankful for a blessed day!
Blog, Rituximab saved my life

Rituximab saved my life!

Jill L. Ware
two infusions every six months

It has been nearly two years since I started the Rituxan infusions, my quality of life increasing with each one. When I first started the infusions my vectra score was a 58. Which meant my disease activity was severe. My most recent blood work shows my vectra score at a 3. Down 55 points. Yes my teeth are paying the price and a bit of hair loss. When I started this journey I was pushing about 360 and on outings sometimes needed a wheelchair or cane. I eventually had gastric bypass, but the weight loss did not help my jont pain. I had tried all sorts of injections, the newest pills. Nothing worked. Then I started the Rituximab infusions. Game changer. I can now play with my grankids unlike with my children, I sat and watched. I am now about 195 and feel better than I have in years. There are side effects, like my teeth. But I will take it any day over the pain and fatigue I felt for almost 18 years. The best advice I can give is, if you think your treatment plans are not working as you would like. Change it, talk to your doctor. If you aren’t happy with your results, look at other options. I hope and pray that you find what works for you and whatever ails you. Life is to short to live in pain.

Blog

Confessions Of A Disoriented Blogger #2

Jill L. Ware

I always have felt lost. Everything has to change all the time. That’s the BPD a subject for a different day. I suffered depression for many years. But then when I entered into a very abusive relationship, I couldn’t do anything right. I was never the same. I was to fat, dinner didn’t taste good. you name it, I wasn’t good at it.

After some time I started having thoughts of running my truck into semi’s or cliffs. That went on for years. I divorced him after 14 years of abuse. What I wasn’t prepared for was grieving him like I had buried him like he had died. Plus I gave up my son 50% of the time. Eventually, all I could think about is how I was going to do it. I had to wait until the boys were gone. And the minute they were I was in such a hurry I left the car door wide open, door to the house and the knife drawer with knifes scattered everywhere.

I did it, I slit my wrist. Fortunately, I just did a bunch of surface wounds because there wasn’t a sharp knife in the house. I wasn’t allowed knives in the house for years. I struggled for several years with several mood disorders, and was being abused again. I was married to a monster. And until I got rid of him I had no family, and the grandchild I was about to have was not allowed to be a part of my life. He was dangerous. I felt trapped. If I left I had to fear his wrath. I was going to do it the easy way. I took a handful of pills. They made me sick but I am still here.

I still from time to time get thoughts of self harm, Usually after feeling I’ve let my loved ones down. I have a lot to live for, with mental illness we become blinded at times.