Living with and overcoming Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder
Anaya
She is the CatBoy to my Owlette,
Unless you watch PJMasks that you won’t get.
Today she is Rainbow Dash with lightning speed.
Off to help someone in need.
Later she will be Babs,
Which is fitting cause she gabs.
She is so smart it amazes me,
Something I struggled to be.
Constantly making me smile,
With her personality and style.
She likes to be in charge, Her attitude always at large.
If I do something wrong,
She always lets me know.
A joy she truly is to watch grow. Jill L. Ware
If you aren’t someone she sees almost ever day,
With you her monster likely won’t play.
If she cares for you even the slightest bit,
Out of nowhere her monster you might get.
She tries to keep him on a short chain,
All the while inside her he’s raising Cain.
For no reason at all,
Out of her he crawls.
Like a lion you will hear his roar,
Have you seen him before?
For those that love her it is a blessing and a curse.
You’ve seen her better, seen her worse.
She is confusing to say the least,
A beauty living with her beast.
When I have extra energy from my mania I grow things, then I pressurize some for the future. We will need it one day, probably soon the way the world is. And what is left I sit out for all the people in our retirement complex.
Do your best to find constructive things to put all of your anxieties into. I know sometimes it is easier said than done. As long as you know you tried, it doesn’t even matter if you fail. Anyway you will be the only one that knows.
Believe me when I say I had no idea I was even in a manic state until my doctor made me stop smoking pot because it was causing paranoia, and put me on risperidone. It was like someone took a pair of distorted glasses off of me. And I could see clearly again.
The world looks much better through my red polka dot glasses these days. If you are reading this I hope what see through your eyes becomes more focused for you. Peace Out!
I have loved him since the day he was conceived, the joy he brought me I’d never believe.
His personality was that of a clown, lifting me up when I was down.
He was terrified to go on stage, which got much better with age.
Eventually I left his dad, It was the worst feeling I ever had.
Joint custody was not for me, forever changed our life would be.
Me his mother you would never guess, what a beautiful mess.
Drums, guitar, piano are just a few, of the many things he can do.
He is smarter than I ever was, excellent at all he does.
He will never know the love I carry in me, forever in my heart he will always be.
Jill L. Ware
I Love My Family! What a beautiful gathering we had for Mother’s Day.
My desire to be the best grandmother I can be is one of the most important things to me. That these children don’t have to see the side of me that my children did. Not towards them, but towards my abusive husbands.
Although, some days these little ones give me a run for my money. The fighting and bickering among the older cousins can be exhausting.
I love these babies so much, not more than I did their parents. I just know about mental illness now, unlike when their fathers were young. I had no idea that something was wrong with me. I don’t think in the beginning I was ill. I believe years of verbal abuse about my size and everything else he thought was wrong with me caused my illnesses. And I have been fighting the good fight ever since. I wouldn’t say I am winning the fight, but I am definetly not losing.
I wake up everyday witht the mentallity of just that. “Today is a new day!” I can pick and choose what version of me that I am going to be. I love me today, so far.
The alarm goes off, I spring into action. Shower, brush my teeth, do my hair and makeup and tend to the pets. Wake up honey lets go have coffee I tell my husband.
Can we go see the grandkids today? I ask. Do you want to visit the cabin? It is so nice this time of year. I’m having a good day.
Alarm goes off. I say,”Will you shut that fucking thing off.”. My husband asks, ” Want to go have coffee? “. No. I just want to sleep. I do have things to do today. I want nothing to do with any of it. I am absolutely exhausted. No desire to even get out of bed, and definitely not going in public today. It takes to much energy to pretend to be normal, and I am just not feeling up to it today. These are the days I am most use to. And to tell you the truth I enjoy my days of sollitude as compared to the days I am forced to socialize.
I give 100% when it comes to being a mother and grandmother. I put myself in uncomfortable situations all the time when tending to my loved ones. It really takes a toll on my mental illness at times. It is truly exhausting attempting to be the perfect grandparent and parent, I never fail them. In the process I become manic trying to keep up. Everything that goes up eventually must come down. Eventually, I plummit to the ground. You would think after all these years with these mental illnesses I would be expecting it, NOPE. As always the illness sneaks up and bites me right in the butt.
I start all over again taking extra care to take medications and get the rest I so desperately need. It last a week maybe two and the vicious cycle starts all over again.
Today….It was a good day. Tomorrow……We will see.
What a blessing it is to be alive. To love and be loved..
Those lips and how they made me feel,
Never had anything felt so real,
Thoughts of you pour like rain.
I’d sell my soul to taste them once again.
I visit you in my dreams.
We, you’ve forgotten it seems.
I don’t fight them anymore,
Are you just as you were before,
I prayed one day I’d be your wife,
And with you i would spend my life,
Together we had been.
Our love destined not to win.
It lives on in my memories,
I miss you when no one sees.
Jill L. Ware
Put on your best smile, go that extra mile.
Be courteous and nice, don’t ever think twice.
Lift up one another, be your neighbors brother.
Love with all your might, don’t give up without a fight.
Ask for nothing in return, be the example so they can learn.
Be you, let your light shine through.
Be the spark that leads them from the dark.
Most of all, always be you!
Jill L. Ware
Our Roses Were Yellow 
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