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Author: Jill L. Ware
Hello! I am a lot of things. First and foremost, I am me. Like it or leave it I believe God made me just as I am. That I need to go through these trials and tribulation to become who it is I am meant to be. does it suck? yes it does. I have two sons and three granddaughter and one on the way. I've been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder for several years. This is a way to let my words out, get them out of my head. You are not alone in your struggle with these diseases, it's exhausting trying to be normal. Or what we percieve as normal.
I Am Catastrophic!
I am so thankful that I finally have a diagnosis. I knew that something was wrong.
It took the doctors three years to finally figure out the problem . The specialist told me that I won’t be getting any more MRIs or CAT scans that I need to enjoy the time with my grandkids, I’m not sure Exactly being labeled as catastrophic means for me. But I’m sure it isn’t good. But at least now I can quit going to the Doctor. No more tests. Every major organ of mine has illnesses in them or masses. When I had the gastric bypass, my intestines were rerouted and now at least two of the things they need to get to they cannot because my intestines are in front of them.
Catastrophic: an unexpected event that causes great suffering or damage. From all points of view it would be a catastrophe.
Looking from all directions. Myself and a few family members knew that something wasn’t right. This has also affected my mental health.
Having the gastric bypass gave me 20 years, I probably would not have had because of my obesity. There’s no time limit. I’m just going to enjoy life and not take things so serious. You should do the same. Don’t waste a minute.
Meet Jack and The Weeks That Led Me To Him
Those that know well, know that I don’t keep things long. Cars, apartments, pets and you get the idea. The fact that I kept Annabelle for 15 years is saying a lot. I struggled after I laid her to rest. I eventually got a dog and because I didn’t ask permission from my roommate first had to take her back to the gentleman I got her from. After a few weeks and a move to a new location I got Jack from the local pound. He is going to be bigger than I usually like. But I think he is gracious that I saved him from the pound. He loves treats and is intrigued on all the things he can do to earn one. My husband and I decided crate training would be our best bet. So far so good. He is going to be my new treatment for my mental illness as Annabelle was.
I Love Me
Annabelle
I watch if she slips away from me each day.
She cannot see me, or hear what I say.
Many times, she watched over me when I was bedridden, her agenda not hidden. She, my faithful companion nursing me.
Soon My turn to nurse her it will be.
As the days go on, she makes it outside to relieve herself less, but, she tries her best.
Annabelle is strong and has a fight in her since birth. I miss the days she slept with me, went to work with me. We were great together.
It seems as if our time together is nearing its end. I pray that she goes on her own, to her death I cannot her send.
I will hold my love for her deep in my heart, even after this earth she parts.
Game Over
I saw you yesterday, in this game with you I play.
Keeping my distance so you don’t see, it is way past time to let it be.
I make sure not to cross the line, the game not yours but mine.
My schemes planned days ahead, our relationship a long time dead.
To get your approval I tried for years, my love for life reduced to tears.
The words you said I hear as if yesterday, you had no clue in my head they’d stay.
I look in the mirror as I become skin and bones, my self esteem someone else owns.
It doesn’t matter large or small, I’m not sure you loved me at all.
I pray one day to adapt a love for me, maybe then there will be no fear of letting you see. I’ll know there is nothing wrong with me.
Faithful Companion
Medication Overload
How do you know when you are over medicated? Do your doctors collaborate on your treatment of various illnessesWith that she took me off the Rituxan drip. I left that visit Dumbfounded. I had no idea RA could go into remission the following visit the rheumatologist replaced the reduction with a different drug. I did not understand why I needed the new drug if my RA was in remission. Doctor says it is maintenance to keep it in The stage. My psychiatric meds aren’t much better. I take several psych meds and disorder pills. He prescribes one and adjust another. Five separate medication‘s to treat my several mood disorders.
What RA Remission Means To Me
I was diagnosed 24 years ago with RA. It took over my life. Everything revolved around my pain and sickness. At times, I’d be bedridden and require assistance with routine things. We started with Enbrel, Humira, and xeljanz. The Xeljanz increased my pain and inflammation. as one more attempt, the doctor started me on a Rituxan drip twice every six months. As you can see in the photos, it is working as with any drugs, there are side effects, my side effects for rare. I got up upset stomach, which caused me to lose 129 pounds without trying. For the time being, we have stopped the Rituxan because my disease level is almost done. Also cannot afford to lose any more weight. There is no cure and remission only last temporarily I’m going to enjoy the extra mobility and spend lots of time with my grandchildren. My quality of life is so much better now.
Depression at Bay
Anytime I get a chance to watch the birds off my patio, it helps calm my self down.
What do you do to help your depression?
Our Roses Were Yellow 
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