Tag: anxiety

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I Am Catastrophic!

Jill L. Ware
And yes I am Smiling

I am so thankful that I finally have a diagnosis. I knew that something was wrong.

It took the doctors three years to finally figure out the problem . The specialist told me that I won’t be getting any more MRIs or CAT scans that I need to enjoy the time with my grandkids, I’m not sure Exactly being labeled as catastrophic means for me. But I’m sure it isn’t good. But at least now I can quit going to the Doctor. No more tests. Every major organ of mine has illnesses in them or masses. When I had the gastric bypass, my intestines were rerouted and now at least two of the things they need to get to they cannot because my intestines are in front of them.

Catastrophic: an unexpected event that causes great suffering or damage. From all points of view it would be a catastrophe.

Looking from all directions. Myself and a few family members knew that something wasn’t right. This has also affected my mental health.

Having the gastric bypass gave me 20 years, I probably would not have had because of my obesity. There’s no time limit. I’m just going to enjoy life and not take things so serious. You should do the same. Don’t waste a minute.

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Meet Jack and The Weeks That Led Me To Him

Jill L. Ware

Those that know well, know that I don’t keep things long. Cars, apartments, pets and you get the idea. The fact that I kept Annabelle for 15 years is saying a lot. I struggled after I laid her to rest. I eventually got a dog and because I didn’t ask permission from my roommate first had to take her back to the gentleman I got her from. After a few weeks and a move to a new location I got Jack from the local pound. He is going to be bigger than I usually like. But I think he is gracious that I saved him from the pound. He loves treats and is intrigued on all the things he can do to earn one. My husband and I decided crate training would be our best bet. So far so good. He is going to be my new treatment for my mental illness as Annabelle was.

Blog, Poetry

Faithful Companion

Jill L. Ware
A companion can come in many shapes and sizes. Mine happens to be in the form of a dog. She has seen me through many of battles with those that were supposed to be faithful companions. Her loyalty to me always holds true. Annabelle joined me when my oldest son left home after high school. She has seen me cry, scream, laugh, and sometimes act a complete nutcase. Yet she has never left me or judged me. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve moved, there she was at my side with no judgment, as always. We both have aged since our first meeting. Not long from now. I will be missing her scratching the food bowl at 2 AM and her snoring. A more faithful friend I shall never meet.
Blog, Poetry

Medication Overload

Jill L. Ware
Month supply

How do you know when you are over medicated? Do your doctors collaborate on your treatment of various illnessesWith that she took me off the Rituxan drip. I left that visit Dumbfounded. I had no idea RA could go into remission the following visit the rheumatologist replaced the reduction with a different drug. I did not understand why I needed the new drug if my RA was in remission. Doctor says it is maintenance to keep it in The stage. My psychiatric meds aren’t much better. I take several psych meds and disorder pills. He prescribes one and adjust another. Five separate medication‘s to treat my several mood disorders.

Blog, Poetry

Grandparents that raise their grandchildren

Jill L. Ware

Over the years I’ve had many grandparents raising grandkids frequent my place of employment. Have always had respect for them. Until recently, I had no idea how exhausting and stressful it could be. My son and his wife went on a four-day vacation and I stayed with the three kids. It was absolutely exhausting. The minute my butt cheeks hit the couch. There was one screaming “grandma come here”. The meals, laundry, baths and picking up never ends. What I’m getting at is that if you see grandparents raising grandkids, pat them on the back. I only did it for four days, and was ready to lose my sanity.

Blog, Poetry

Finding Balance Eludes Me

Jill L. Ware

You’d think with all the medications I am on that it would keep my moods under control. My thoughts lately I’ve kept myself. Needless to say, most of them are mean. I refuse to let them escape me.

I roll all these thoughts around in my head day and night. The conversations I’ve had with loved ones playing in my head. I picked them apart, one by one to decipher their meaning. The only change my doctor has made with my meds is swapping my Wellbutrin at night for olanzapine.

The doctor did this because he was seeing symptoms of paranoia in me. There is paranoia in my family genetics, the doctor actually a couple doctors have told me they think my pot smoking is causing several illnesses in me. I had never heard anything so stupid. I asked if I should quit for a few weeks and see. She said full results of quitting wouldn’t show for six months. I decided to do my research on the subject. In some cases by quitting, the issues fix themselves, and when the person starts back symptoms return.

I am sick of not thinking right. I started my pot free life five days ago. I pray that it fixes some of the wrong thinking. Also a few other things as well.

I could use some encouragement or advice. I haven’t blogged in quite some time. If I blog more often, it would probably benefit me. I’ve been in the state of “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”. I have been hiding from society, I don’t like the monster in me.

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Bite Me Bi-Polar!

Jill L. Ware

It is not often I have the urge to drive my car into a tree at a high rate of speed. Yesterday there it was out of nowhere. That is how this works, this being these nasty mood disorders That have been plaguing me all of my adult life.

I try so hard to keep my monster hidden, yesterday was an epic fail. I really should name my monster within truthfully though I don’t want to be on a first name basis with her, my beast.

She doesn’t play nice so I’m thankful she doesn’t stay long these days. She says just long enough to show her ass and leave me looking absolutely idiotic. Not like I need extra help in that department. I do find enough job without her help.

I spent the last six months taking in nature and Photographing the Beauty I see. My avoiding being in society since Covid appeared isn’t because my fear of getting sick. I hide from fear of confrontation from all the people that have decided they can talk to you any hateful way they please. You know how true those words are, don’t you?

PEOPLE SUCK! I’m trying real hard not to be one.

Blog

Call Your Psychiatrist

Jill L. Ware
Everyone smiles for the camera

I know the importance of routine mental health appointments throughout the year. It did not occur to me the entire six weeks I laid in bed my depression and anxiety in full swing.

I assumed it had only been a few months since my last mental health visit. In fact it had been six months.

This week I had a visit with my long time psychiatrist. He reminded me that if I am struggling in between visits that I can call for a visit.

It’s amazing the insight and advice from someone outside my usual sounding boards. Where am I going with this? If you are sad, anxious, depressed or having a hard time functioning in this crazy world we live in. Seeking help can make a huge difference. Tell someone else your crap can really lighten your load.