Tag: pain

Blog

I Am Catastrophic!

Jill L. Ware
And yes I am Smiling

I am so thankful that I finally have a diagnosis. I knew that something was wrong.

It took the doctors three years to finally figure out the problem . The specialist told me that I won’t be getting any more MRIs or CAT scans that I need to enjoy the time with my grandkids, I’m not sure Exactly being labeled as catastrophic means for me. But I’m sure it isn’t good. But at least now I can quit going to the Doctor. No more tests. Every major organ of mine has illnesses in them or masses. When I had the gastric bypass, my intestines were rerouted and now at least two of the things they need to get to they cannot because my intestines are in front of them.

Catastrophic: an unexpected event that causes great suffering or damage. From all points of view it would be a catastrophe.

Looking from all directions. Myself and a few family members knew that something wasn’t right. This has also affected my mental health.

Having the gastric bypass gave me 20 years, I probably would not have had because of my obesity. There’s no time limit. I’m just going to enjoy life and not take things so serious. You should do the same. Don’t waste a minute.

Poetry

Game Over

Jill L. Ware

I saw you yesterday, in this game with you I play.

Keeping my distance so you don’t see, it is way past time to let it be.

I make sure not to cross the line, the game not yours but mine.

My schemes planned days ahead, our relationship a long time dead.

To get your approval I tried for years, my love for life reduced to tears.

The words you said I hear as if yesterday,  you had no clue in my head they’d stay.

I look in the mirror as I become skin and bones, my self esteem someone else owns.

It doesn’t matter large or small, I’m not sure you loved me at all.

I pray one day to adapt a love for me, maybe then there will be no fear of letting you see. I’ll know there is nothing wrong with me.

Blog

What RA Remission Means To Me

Jill L. Ware
Before and after

I was diagnosed 24 years ago with RA. It took over my life. Everything revolved around my pain and sickness. At times, I’d be bedridden and require assistance with routine things. We started with Enbrel, Humira, and xeljanz. The Xeljanz increased my pain and inflammation. as one more attempt, the doctor started me on a Rituxan drip twice every six months. As you can see in the photos, it is working as with any drugs, there are side effects, my side effects for rare. I got up upset stomach, which caused me to lose 129 pounds without trying. For the time being, we have stopped the Rituxan because my disease level is almost done. Also cannot afford to lose any more weight. There is no cure and remission only last temporarily I’m going to enjoy the extra mobility and spend lots of time with my grandchildren. My quality of life is so much better now.

Blog

Call Your Psychiatrist

Jill L. Ware
Everyone smiles for the camera

I know the importance of routine mental health appointments throughout the year. It did not occur to me the entire six weeks I laid in bed my depression and anxiety in full swing.

I assumed it had only been a few months since my last mental health visit. In fact it had been six months.

This week I had a visit with my long time psychiatrist. He reminded me that if I am struggling in between visits that I can call for a visit.

It’s amazing the insight and advice from someone outside my usual sounding boards. Where am I going with this? If you are sad, anxious, depressed or having a hard time functioning in this crazy world we live in. Seeking help can make a huge difference. Tell someone else your crap can really lighten your load.

Blog

Marijuana Use For My Mental Illness

Jill L. Ware
I do have a state issued medical card for this!

A couple of years ago I started smoking marijuana to help with some of my mood disorders. I believe it helps with my Mania and my sleep. I have to adjust how much I smoke when I am going to be in a social situation. Ocassionally I get a bit paranoid if the smoke is to strong.

My phsychiatrist would rather I don’t smoke. But it does things for me that my five mental meds cannot.

What I am wondering is if you could leave comments about your experience with marijuana and mental illness.

Poetry

A Fish Out of Water

Jill L. Ware

I am quite the catch when you reel me in, my scales shiny and bright.

After a bit not at all what I’d been, seen in a different light.

I am struggling to breathe, thrashing to and fro.

Soon the air from my lungs will leave, It is now my time to go.

I am ready as I could ever be, please feel free to throw me back.

I belong in the water you see, It is the oxygen in which I lack.

I am a fish out of water!

Blog

Same Thoughts Different Reactions

Jill L. Ware
My mind is like a carnival ride

About this time last year I posted a very emotional and hysterical post about all the scary things taking place in the world. And at a later date after watching it again, I removed it.

I was embarassed by my tears and emotional video. What a difference a year makes. A year of the right phsychiatric meds. Today I feel all the things I did the day I recorded the video. My reaction to those thought is 100% different.

When I started this venture I promised I would post the good and the ugly. I wasn’t true to my word by deleting it. In the future I will do better at being honest and open about my behaviors. I hope that one day even just one of my post helps you in this very exhausting struggle to pretend to be normal.

Poetry

Imperfection

Jill L. Ware

Imperfect we were meant to be, so our flaws he could see.

Each of us made unique, so the Savior we would seek.

I have scars that will never heal, imperfect the make me feel.

No one notices nor cares, that someone’s mark my face bares.

These lesions I hide well, to look you cannot tell.

It’s no birth defect-I am not blemished, with me He is not finished.

Poetry

Temptation

Jill L. Ware

The urge to do things not good for oneself, always wanting what is high upon the Shelf.

There are reasons these items are Out Of Reach, taking of them a lesson they shall teach.

These things entice with their Shimmer and shine, all I want is to make them mine.

All That Glitters Is Gold, what age were you when this you were told.

As the devil has his horns, so does the beautiful roses have thorns.

Things you weren’t meant to have, like a Band-Aid to your salve

This is a feeling not real, these Band-Aids cannot heal.

Keep your eyes focused in front of you to say the least, temptation it is a Beast.

Jill L. Ware