Tag: abuse

Blog

Same Thoughts Different Reactions

Jill L. Ware
My mind is like a carnival ride

About this time last year I posted a very emotional and hysterical post about all the scary things taking place in the world. And at a later date after watching it again, I removed it.

I was embarassed by my tears and emotional video. What a difference a year makes. A year of the right phsychiatric meds. Today I feel all the things I did the day I recorded the video. My reaction to those thought is 100% different.

When I started this venture I promised I would post the good and the ugly. I wasn’t true to my word by deleting it. In the future I will do better at being honest and open about my behaviors. I hope that one day even just one of my post helps you in this very exhausting struggle to pretend to be normal.

Poetry

Where The Green Grass Grows

Jill L. Ware

Water your lawn that it might grow, come to life as if tending ones soul.

Pay no attention to the neighboring blades of grass, the green doesn’t always last.

Some days wilted and pale, “Help!” I hear the neighboring grass yell.

I ignore it as many times before, I beg of you to tend your lawn more.

Add a bit of sun and a little water, tend it as if it were a daughter.

The neighboring grass is quite a sight, yet being there does not feel right.

Tend your own pastures, lawns and gardens, tell you neighbor 1,000 pardons.

I’m sorry if often I stray, God keep me on your path I pray.

The neighboring blades of grass entice with the afternoon sun staring back at me, I am wise to its tricks you see.

In your own yard take a little pride, the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Jill L. Ware

Poetry

Temptation

Jill L. Ware

The urge to do things not good for oneself, always wanting what is high upon the Shelf.

There are reasons these items are Out Of Reach, taking of them a lesson they shall teach.

These things entice with their Shimmer and shine, all I want is to make them mine.

All That Glitters Is Gold, what age were you when this you were told.

As the devil has his horns, so does the beautiful roses have thorns.

Things you weren’t meant to have, like a Band-Aid to your salve

This is a feeling not real, these Band-Aids cannot heal.

Keep your eyes focused in front of you to say the least, temptation it is a Beast.

Jill L. Ware

Blog

Soft Hearted Man

Jill L. Ware
It`s no wonder they love him!

This man who melts my heart, From all the others he is set apart.

This man that puts his needs last, he’s helped me forget that past.

This man with eyes of blue, has been better for me than I ever knew.

We have our days that’s for sure, for the bad days there’s no cure.

I see forever when I truly see the man he has become, it is him for me or none.

It has taken 20 years to get where we are, our lives are better by far.

This man is mine!

Poetry

Beauty and Her Beast

Jill L. Ware

If you aren’t someone she sees almost ever day,

With you her monster likely won’t play.

If she cares for you even the slightest bit,

Out of nowhere her monster you might get.

She tries to keep him on a short chain,

All the while inside her he’s raising Cain.

For no reason at all,

Out of her he crawls.

Like a lion you will hear his roar,

Have you seen him before?

For those that love her it is a blessing and a curse.

You’ve seen her better, seen her worse.

She is confusing to say the least,

A beauty living with her beast.

Best Version Of Me, Blog

My Desire To Be Their Grandma Jill

Jill L. Ware
The reasons I keep my crap together as much as I do

My desire to be the best grandmother I can be is one of the most important things to me. That these children don’t have to see the side of me that my children did. Not towards them, but towards my abusive husbands.

Although, some days these little ones give me a run for my money. The fighting and bickering among the older cousins can be exhausting.

I love these babies so much, not more than I did their parents. I just know about mental illness now, unlike when their fathers were young. I had no idea that something was wrong with me. I don’t think in the beginning I was ill. I believe years of verbal abuse about my size and everything else he thought was wrong with me caused my illnesses. And I have been fighting the good fight ever since. I wouldn’t say I am winning the fight, but I am definetly not losing.

I wake up everyday witht the mentallity of just that. “Today is a new day!” I can pick and choose what version of me that I am going to be. I love me today, so far.

Blog, Life Is Good

Life Is Good…When I Want It To Be

Jill L. Ware

The alarm goes off, I spring into action. Shower, brush my teeth, do my hair and makeup and tend to the pets. Wake up honey lets go have coffee I tell my husband.

Can we go see the grandkids today? I ask. Do you want to visit the cabin? It is so nice this time of year. I’m having a good day.

Alarm goes off. I say,”Will you shut that fucking thing off.”. My husband asks, ” Want to go have coffee? “. No. I just want to sleep. I do have things to do today. I want nothing to do with any of it. I am absolutely exhausted. No desire to even get out of bed, and definitely not going in public today. It takes to much energy to pretend to be normal, and I am just not feeling up to it today. These are the days I am most use to. And to tell you the truth I enjoy my days of sollitude as compared to the days I am forced to socialize.

I give 100% when it comes to being a mother and grandmother. I put myself in uncomfortable situations all the time when tending to my loved ones. It really takes a toll on my mental illness at times. It is truly exhausting attempting to be the perfect grandparent and parent, I never fail them. In the process I become manic trying to keep up. Everything that goes up eventually must come down. Eventually, I plummit to the ground. You would think after all these years with these mental illnesses I would be expecting it, NOPE. As always the illness sneaks up and bites me right in the butt.

I start all over again taking extra care to take medications and get the rest I so desperately need. It last a week maybe two and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Today….It was a good day. Tomorrow……We will see.

Thankful for a blessed day!
Poetry, young love

Young Love

Jill L. Ware

Those lips and how they made me feel,

Never had anything felt so real,

Thoughts of you pour like rain.

I’d sell my soul to taste them once again.

I visit you in my dreams.

We, you’ve forgotten it seems.

I don’t fight them anymore,         

Are you just as you were before,

I prayed one day I’d be your wife,

And with you i would spend my life,

Together we had been.

Our love destined not to win.

It lives on in my memories,

I miss you when no one sees.

Jill L. Ware